B40 Days of Purpose - Day 16

Life is all about love

I feel really challenged reading today’s chapter. I enjoy spending time with people (those of you who know me see how often I’m chatting!!) However, I often feel that I am snatching at relationships due to lack of quality time… I have had a variety of interesting jobs (no job too small – I was a professional temp). One of these was working for an engineering company and inputting timesheets on each engineering project. If you couldn’t allocate your time to a particular project you would put it under the heading of non-specific time. I am wondering how much of my time now is filed under this category and how much I could utilise for God’s benefit. I am definitely the sort of person who will say “Let’s do lunch” and mean it for a while until events overtake me without setting a date.

I feel today that I have stopped planning ahead as with Daniel when you make plans you often have to unpick them. Sometimes people are not understanding as it is not always convenient. When Daniel needs to go into hospital it is normally at a time which is pretty inconvenient (then again, when is there a good time?)

Thinking about one of the points raised that you don’t know how long you will have the opportunity is very appropriate with Daniel. When he is well we try to do today what we know we can as illness can creep up very quickly and admission to hospital a regular occurrence.

I am delighted that God has reminded me that spending time with others is important and I would appreciate your prayer with this. I am going to be bold and make some plans knowing that I will be able to honour some of them rather than being afraid to make any.

Happy families today... 

40 Days of Purpose - Day 15

Thinking about God’s family today I started to think about families generally. How the group dynamics work. There are often favourites, black sheep, differing agendas and sibling rivalry. Many a time you hear the phrase, “Choose your friends as you can’t choose your family”. Does our experience of our earthly family limit our understanding of the privilege of being part of God’s family? How wonderful that God created us to be in his family before we were even born. He chose us as individuals and whilst we may not relate to all our spiritual family God still calls us to be united.

One of the many blessings I receive from being a child of God is that many a time he has used his family to show me love (and Kevin and Daniel). He often uses his family to reach me when all else seems to pass me by and remind me of my spiritual pedigree. By reaching out to me practically many from Elim have shown God’s love and gives an indication of how vast it is. What I shall go away with tonight is what does God want my role to be within his family and am I aware of opportunities to help others.

Thank you to everyone who has so thoughtfully reached out to us being an excellent witness for Christ.

40 Days of Purpose - Day 14

This seems such an intense learning experience and we’ve still got another 26 days to go!!

Thinking about the topic of when God seems distant I was reminded of a recent situation with Daniel. I took him to a hospice where he stayed when Kevin and I went away for a couple of days this week. He was perfectly happy for me to go but must have realised at some point that I was no longer there during his stay. When Kevin and I came to collect him he was overjoyed to see Kevin and sent me to Coventry. I thought about what he might have been saying:

Where have you been?
Why did you leave me?
I have been waiting ages.
Are you going to go away again?
I thought you weren’t going to come back.

It made me think about my response to God and how similar my reactions can be. The obvious difference is God is still there but I just cannot see him even though I know he is there and always will be for me.

Daniel wearing a Fimble shower cap -as you do!! He needs less oxygen today. 

40 Days of Purpose - Day 13

Worship that pleases God

Hmmmm…. Very thought provoking. One of the comments about my musings on this website is that it is like a specialist language for Christians. Praying without using Christian jargon will be a very different challenge. It is sometimes very easy to use known words and clichés almost as a habit without getting back to basics and using every day words.

One of the things that seems to have taken a hold in my brain (something has to!!) is that worship is not always convenient or comfortable. Since Daniel was born it hasn’t been easy to offer myself to God because I haven’t always understood why things have to be the way that they are. Over time, I came to realise that no matter what I was feeling I still needed to give of myself to God. When Daniel was born I was tired all the time due to the emotional stress that we were under and sometimes I could give God only snatched moments of worship. Despite the circumstances in my life I was reminded how good God has been to me by giving me his Son who died for me. This became very powerful and a good basis for future growth in my relationship with Him. Whilst I still have a long way to go, this proved to be a turning point for me.

The most amazing thing that I am absorbing is that God wants all of me. Thinking about this, I realise that he wants my bad side along with my good. Often I am sucked into thinking that I can only meet up with God when I am behaving myself rather than just being. It’s a warts and all relationship which is hugely liberating. God has given me friends who I know love me despite not wearing makeup and generally having a bad hair day(!!) how much more does Jesus love me? Wow…

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Answered Prayer

Yesterday we went to Great Ormond Street Hospital with Daniel and received some encouraging news. Daniel suffers from pulmonary hypertension (high blood pressure in his lungs) which can be a serious disease. His pressures had been increasing and there was concern that his condition looked like it could be on the brink of worsening. Well, the good news is that Daniel’s pressures have dropped (not totally) but the Consultant is encouraged. At this time we don’t have a medical explanation why and we are waiting to see if this is a permanent drop but this still is very good news for Daniel. And there’s more… Back in September last year I was told categorically that Daniel would be on oxygen at night for the rest of his life. When I mentioned this to the consultant yesterday, he corrected me and said that, that may not necessarily be true. This is a wonderful illustration of how nothing is too difficult for God.
I am just trusting God not because there is nothing else that I can do, but because I know that he has his hand on Daniel.

A huge thank you to all those who regularly pray for us as a family. We are truly blessed by your faithfulness.

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40 Days of Purpose - Day 11 & 12

Well, I’m a day behind now with my writing so I have decided to cheat and merge my thoughts. I find it really hard to think about being best friends with God the theme from today’s reading. One of the things that stuck in my mind is being aware that God is always present no matter what we are doing. I often pride myself on being fairly independent by nature and I have the sudden realisation that it is this streak which is putting a barrier between God and I.

Like most people I have a busy life and as God doesn’t demand robotic obedience I am caught up with mere details of how to get the most out of each 24 hours. I can remember one of the sermons at church saying that if we would only give 10% of this time to God we would be spending 2½ hours daily with him (I am lucky if I normally manage 12 minutes…) I feel excited that he wants to spend time with me even when I am doing mundane things. Sometimes, I can fall into the trap of not being ready to talk to God as it doesn’t feel right rather than just coming as I am at the time.

My challenge now is to develop my relationship with God to get to the best friends stage. I see now that often I have gone to God with a burden or praised him for something significant but have not had an ongoing dialogue with him. It seems very simple now that the more I confide in him and give of myself to him, he will be able to use my openness to reveal more about him.

The other issue for me is vulnerability. With best friends you know that they will accept you as you are (as God definitely does) and there is mutual trust. When opening up and revealing places in your heart, which have been heavily guarded, there is a level of intimacy, which can be scary. Some places are being revealed for the first time which can be exciting but also lead to feeling exposed. We can trust God will still love us even when we reveal the very unlovely things about ourselves to him and commit to doing his will. This is awesome.

Again I am reminded that I have chosen how close I have wanted to get to God so I have held him at arms length (it’s safer!!) But now, I am committed to being totally honest with God. When you are totally raw with emotion that is all you can offer. I feel God has wanted to get my attention but he has had to do some very eyecatching things for me to respond. I am also encouraged because this experience is never wasted (so it’s happening for a reason and by God who knows what is in my best interest).

All I know is that I can focus more on God now and pray that I will allow God to speak to me more by giving him greater opportunity over the days, weeks, months and years ahead.

Daniel enjoying his last stay at Little Haven Hospice mid Jan 2005 

40 Days of Purpose - Day 10

Today, I feel like I have writer’s block, as I can’t say anything any more interesting or original than the next person. The whole issue of surrender to God I find difficult and I was reminded that this isn’t easy as it will often mean doing opposite to what you feel like doing and I like being in my comfort zone. So, I’m going to plough on regardless…

My first image of surrender is the waving of the white flag, country and western style, to avoid being killed (so it’s a matter of self-preservation and only when all is lost). I have to revise this image as surrender to God is just so different. Unlike in Westerns where captors may not be merciful, God truly is. He doesn’t force us to surrender, he encourages us to willingly give ourselves to him as we are. I am really challenged by this as my surrendering tends to be rather hit and miss and definitely not daily : - ( I think back to Jesus on the Cross and his total surrender to God when basically he was feeling daunted and apprehensive of what he needed to do. What a reminder to focus on Jesus rather than anything else. I can now appreciate that surrender is willing submission and I pray that I would give God control of my life. I am not really a control freak but I do like to be organised so that I feel I can minimise stress by being prepared. I see now that I need to be prepared to give God all the details of my life.

Something else that really spoke to me is struggling with life is struggling against God. I find this hugely powerful as when Daniel was born I was expecting a healthy baby, all the scans seemed to point to this. Reality hit, within the first hour. Gradually over time it appeared that Daniel had more and more medical concerns and reasons for us as parents to be troubled with his various medical conditions. I can remember feeling so outraged with God for giving us all these huge concerns for Daniel that I took my feelings out on my pillow and punched my anger away. I realise now it was my struggle with God’s sovereignty over my life. I kept telling him he had made a mistake and I wasn’t going to thank him for ruining three lives. Looking back, that was a turning point when I realised that being Daniel’s Mum is God’s will for my life. This is not an easy path to walk but again and again God has revealed his compassion and love often through people.

Thank you to everyone who prays for us as a family because it makes a huge difference.

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40 Days of Purpose Continued…

Thank you to all who have prayed whilst we were away. I am delighted to tell you that I continued with the 40 days of purpose during our time away. God used this time to challenge me greatly. I think it is fair to say that during the 19 years of being a believer the shine had gone out of my faith and I suppose you could say that my spiritual battery needed recharging. Whilst I am being challenged I now feel excited that I am not too dusty to be useful to God.

I feel my spiritual journey has been like first passing my driving test. At first it was exciting driving to new and different places but over time I began to lose concentration and pick up some bad habits. I wouldn’t always concentrate upon where I was going perhaps being distracted by something en route and taking a bit of a detour. I feel that God is getting me back on track to adjust my focus back to him. Something that I have been reminded of is that God loves us at each step of our journey with him, and that we don’t have to be spiritually mature before God grants us his love. He enjoys us at each stage of our spiritual development. In this world everything tells us we have to be successful and that success is only through achievement. God really knows what is on our hearts and knows when we are growing even if that growth is slow. He just delights in us striving to change to please him.

Whilst I appreciate for many I am stating the obvious, I am undergoing a radical spiritual spring clean. It’s only when you start cleaning that you realise how dirty something was in the first place. I pray for renewed cleansing.

Daniel 15 months today - what a little charmer!! 

This is Daniel 3 days old. I can honestly say that I hadn't bonded with him then... 

40 Days of Purpose – Day 6

I have been really challenged on todays reading about how life is a temporary assignment as I get bogged down by living sometimes. About 4 years ago I went through a very difficult time professionally and ended up being without permanent work for something like 18 months. In that time I went for a number of job interviews (I stopped counting at 30!!) so to have an income I became a temp. One of the ways I managed to survive some of the more menial tasks was to remind myself repeatedly that it was only temporary and it is amazing how much strength you can gain from this. Often as a temp you are given inadequate instructions and have to sink or swim within a very short timeframe but God in his mercy gives us his word and his love to endure any hardships that we may meet in our temporary assignment on earth. One of the things that I learnt about temping which helped me no end was to be incredibly flexible. I feel that God is reminding me that if I step back and allow him to be sovereign in my life and make myself more open to him then I will be closer to him and grow. Looking forward to becoming more mature.

On a different note something amazing happened today. God used me!! Today has been a long day starting with an hour and a half at St John’s Hospital. I then took Daniel to Little Haven Hospice as Kevin and I are going away for a few days. To say I was exhausted was an understatement. I just felt that it would be good to ring a friend but part of me was saying I’m too tired, I want to go to sleep, can’t it wait til later, God? However, I made that call and to say God’s timing was perfect was an understatement. The call ended with a time of prayer. This reminded me that I need to do the things that God has put on my heart no matter what.

Thank you to everyone who has sent emails and comments of encouragement. I feel blessed by these.

Please can you pray that I continue with the 40 days during my time out. It looks like it will be a bumper blog when I return.



Sarah

40 Days of Purpose Day - 5

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Day 5

Ooh am I really motivated by today’s chapter. Life is a test and a trust but it is the test which I will concentrate upon now. I can honestly say that since Daniel has been born that nothing is the same again… (me and every Mum out there!) It certainly feels like everything is a test just opening and closing a buggy can prove difficult! I have been aware over the past week or so that God has wanted me to do small things for him and because I did not have the time (I’m always rushing) or the inclination (energy levels are often low) I chose to overlook these things as I did not really appreciate them from God’s point of view. However, there have been a couple of times recently when I have been challenged to do something about it and I have experienced unbelievable joy at these tiny little acts of obedience. Whatever else I collect upon this journey this is something that I would like to hang onto as I do believe that my response to life is often very reactive and not very God gratifying (I’m thinking driving here…)

I am reminded of how great and all powerful God is as he spends every minute of every day with me seeing how I respond to the tests that he gives me. (wish I had the tape so that I could go back and do things differently) I now realise that he will set the level of his tests according to his grace and not my ability (PRAISE THE LORD!!) Given how I struggle with these tests I am reassured that God will not let me flounder but he gives infinite grace. WOW, this is awesome! I know I should know this but I have allowed these tests to rob me of strength.

I am also thinking of how God can use me. Often because I don’t have a very obvious gift I am not sure how God uses me. I am excited that the way I respond to little issues is still useful to God even though it may not feel significant at the time. So, I am challenged now to please God in the small things in my life. Watch this space…

40 Days of Purposed - Day 4

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Day Four


I did not want to write this…

Today has been a dreadful day. I took my niece and Daniel shopping and left some of it behind due to the tantrum he had. I had to take Daniel for a chest x-ray at St Johns so his consultant could advise Little Haven Hospice how to manage Daniel’s care this weekend. Kevin and I are planning to go away, however, Daniel seems to be getting more breathless and isn’t looking too good at the moment. This x-ray wasn’t planned and it’s the 3rd day this week where we are doing something medical (the Community Nurse has visited twice this week and it’s only Wednesday!)

I feel anything other than a purposeful Christian so am pleased to be reminded that our life on earth is not it!! It is very easy to get bogged down with what is happening from day to day. Today’s chapter really spoke to me and reminded me that this life is preparation for eternity. Sometimes it is hard to see the wood from the trees and irrespective of what is going on in my life where I become earth focused God is the same today as he was yesterday and will be tomorrow.

Since Daniel has been discharged from hospital his development has gone slightly backwards. This is normal for children who have been admitted into hospital, but none the less disappointing. When I was thinking about this today, I began to understand that this is how God must feel when you know that your child can do more than they are actually doing, perhaps because they have forgotten, lose confidence in their abilities or just don’t feel like obeying. As believers we can choose to come to our heavenly Father who will give us all that we need to develop further if only we ask. God’s faithfulness is new every morning and so whilst today has been very difficult I am confident that when I wake up tomorrow God will give me the strength to deal with all that I need to.

Roll on tomorrow…

Daniel's mealtime. He gets most of his nourishment via a tube in his tummy(gastrostomy) but this is him with a mouthful of rusk. 

40 days of purpose - Day 3

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Day Three

Reading through today’s chapter, I was wondering what actually drives me. Some people have described me as driven (driven to distraction?) but looking within I couldn’t identify by what. Today God has reminded me that I am driven by fear and that he is going to overcome this in my life (soon please…) and I imagine my son, Daniel, will be part of that plan. He is a very medically complicated little boy and we never know what to expect next. Routine checkups can uncover some medical anomalies, which even the top specialists at Great Ormond Street struggle to come up with the solutions. So I fear the next appointment (and believe me he has many!!) because often we receive more bad news and have to deal with some major issues. This is something, which is currently ongoing. It is very hard to accept the intensity of what is happening when you have to continually accept that your life is so very different from anyone that you know. The world perceives you as “freakish” because you are not typical as you do not conform to the norm.

If I am honest throughout my life I have used fear as an excuse not to do something for the fear of failure. Having been reminded to readjust my focus to how God sees me I know that I will experience the freedom that God alone can give. I have the privilege of being an Auntie and took my youngest niece to see some butterflies this week. We also saw a number of pupae and that image has stayed with me. I feel like I am in a chrysallis cocooned and in the dark but discovering God’s purpose will release me to be the patterned butterfly he has chosen me to be. I can feel my wings beating and know that if I can be obedient and follow through the 40 days then I will be able to fly landing purposefully in areas that he has prepared for me.

40 Days of purpose - Day 2

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Day Two

On a day when everyone is reminded all about love through Valentine’s Day it is amazing to remember just how much God is love. Today’s chapter really spoke to me about God choosing me for who I am even before I was born. This is not something I would ordinarily consider so I just feel so encouraged by this as I am hand picked by God. Sometimes being a Christian for a while you can lose the intensity of appreciating God’s love and the depth of things, which are way beyond our understanding. Right now I am feeling treasured. A friend of mine shared with me that she had an image of God taking her to the best restaurant with the finest linen and being hugely attentive to her. This image reminded her of the depth of God’s love for her and it is so easy in this life to concentrate on what is happening (or not happening) to realise a few Christian basics. It is much easier to see my “imperfections” now through God’s eyes and know that none of this was by chance. This is all God’s purpose for me.

Our Son, Daniel, is a boy who suffers from a wide range of complex medical needs. It is so powerful to be reminded that none of his life is a mistake and that this is how God has made Daniel. If it’s good enough for God then it is enough for me. This will help me deal with some of the more difficult aspects of Daniel’s care.

Can’t now wait until tomorrow for the next chapter.

40 Days of purpose - Day 1

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Day One

This is a long blog but today is a special day.

Delighted that today I made church as I feel compelled to do a journal for the 40 days of purpose. This is a bold step for me particularly as I have been a Christian for 19 years and to say that my spiritual temperature is warmish is not an exaggeration (1 year of Christian growth multiplied 19 times…) I will be sharing my journey as I really feel God challenging me to do more and give him more of my life. I am excited as I know that I’ll change but then again perhaps that’s what I’m fearful of.

I find that I can come up with many an excuse as to why I can’t spend more time with God (amazing how a sick child and a non-Christian husband can be used as to the reasons why I can’t do something!). In one of our church services recently the concept of tithing was applied to time and I realised that I wasn’t even spending 1% of each day with God so “the purpose driven life” has come at a good time. I have also realised that during my walk with God I have never given up anything for Lent. I know that I am going to be changed as a result (scary!!!) I sometimes wonder when I look in a mirror what God sees as he knows me and sees me for whom I am. As he loves me unconditionally he doesn’t see what I do and look for all the wrinkles and grey hairs. He wants to build me up and be the person that he created.

I saw the video by Rick Warren at church and found myself being challenged. At that time I felt so embarrassed by my lack of spiritual progress that I couldn’t even complete the grading to understand where I stood in relation to God’s 5 purposes. Having been honest and now scored mainly 2s I feel exhilarated that unlike an appraisal where you have to explain your shortcomings and how you will move on until you reach the acquired level God has a different perspective. He wants to encourage us to trust him to reveal his will for us and our active response. I feel that I have woken up from a deep sleep.

Somehow along the way I managed to get distracted and focus on life and all that it brings rather than on the purpose God has for me and that I was made for him.

I am not super holy I read the 1st chapter of Rick Warren’s book at 6:00 Am. and this is most definitely out of character for me. However, my goldfish brain (is this on the telly now, no it’s a recording, is this on the telly now…) has made me read the chapter twice in the vain hope that by tomorrow I can still remember the biblical verse. 24 hours can be a long time in my life!!

I am looking forward to what tomorrow brings. I pray for everyone who is committed to this opportunity that you would be open to God’s deepest blessings.

Daniel's picture

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Just a quick blog to post Daniel's most up to date picture if I can understand the software..

Thank you for your prayers.

Sarah

Daniel having a cuddle with Daddy going all camera shy on me... 

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Being Faithful

After much prayer (thank you) Daniel came home on Thursday. He is much better although he has caught another little bug in hospital (only a cold). His consultant suggested that I took him home so that he didn't catch anything else... It was like a scene from Supermarket Sweep as it only took me 40 minutes to get him home from hospital. I didn't want anyone to change their mind!!

This now means that we are unable to go anywhere as a family until Daniel has fully recovered (which means church). Daniel will need oxygen during the day for the next few days and I have all the gear - you'd be amazed.

At times like this I am so glad that God cares. I was given the verse from Isaiah and want to share this:

Isaiah 41 V 10

"So do not fear, for I am with you,
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isn't God Great!!

Daniel

It's 2:45 a.m and I'm not able to sleep again...

Daniel is still on Sunshine Ward at our local hospital and has been since 1st Feb. We are optimistic that he will be coming home on Thursday.(If a week is a long time in politics it is much longer being Daniel's Mum...) He has found out a way to get his own nurse call system by kicking his foot which is attached to an alarm. Whenever he kicks his foot the alarm goes off and another nurse comes in and makes a fuss of him. He might not be 15 months yet but he knows what he is doing!!!!!!!!!

At the moment he has a chest infection and a virus. Although he is on oxygen at the moment this will be reduced so that I can take him home. We have an oxygen concentrator which provides oxygen for him at home as well as an oxygen monitor which registers how much oxygen is in his blood so we know when to give him a top up. Isn't the wonder of New Technology great!!

That's all for now.

Sarah :-)