Braynews

"Laughter is the brush that sweeps away the cobwebs of the heart" - Mort Walker

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Biting off more than I can chew...

Tonight I led a Bible Study on Acts 15 at my lifegroup. I had prayed about it, prepared it and promptly went to pieces. I just couldn’t speak – very out of character!! Somehow I limped through it. I had offered to do it as I felt that it was something that I could do now, the last time I did this was around 12 or so years ago. I honestly thought that I’d have to stop. It was horrible and it has knocked my confidence but it has reminded me how I still need to give myself time before doing new things sometimes.

I have started temping at Essex Fire and Rescue Headquarters this week. I thought that might be my idea of heaven (thank you!) until I was having a very intimate relationship with the filing vault… Still, there is work for me for a while so it will make my life a little easier not being the new girl all the time. I shall be working full-time and it will ease me back in gently. After the Bible study fiasco I really don’t want to do anything too demanding.

I do find it a bit of a dilemma. Do I have any children? I cannot bring myself to say “no” but yes will always prompt more questions. It’s a no win situation.

Still, it’s not all doom and gloom. I know how to cheer myself up. After a heavy days filing yesterday, I thought that I would be kind to my feet. Did you know that you can get a foot mask? You have to put it in the fridge (I had to tell Kevin not to eat it…) It gets better, once you apply it you either have to clingfilm your feet or wrap them in plastic bags!! I sported the Asda look – honestly I think that they saw me coming.

Oh, well, at least it’s nearly the weekend.

Prayer Requests

Just a quick blog to ask for prayer for a couple of people who are on my heart just at present. Some of you will know Linda Davis from church. Her husband, Kevin needs a number of tests tomorrow(Friday) and will get the results next week. This is an anxious time for the whole family as there are hereditary health concerns.

My friend, Daryl, who is having chemo and is losing his hair. He has also decided to have it shaved off for the bold look. He is lethargic and unable to eat.

Thank you.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

The end of the week

What a scorcher!! I feel that my brain has been roasted or should that be toasted? I have booked some flights on the internet and don’t ask me how but have managed to book a wheelchair for us… (Kevin very unimpressed with his mode of transport!!) I expect that I didn’t read everything properly and there was a box with a tick in it that I didn’t notice. Why is it easier to do these things than it is to undo them? This applies to other areas in my life where perhaps I have developed a bit of spiritual blindness. There are times when I have allowed something inappropriate (normally feelings and emotions) to stay or come into my life and after a time have become immune to them not realising how unsuitable they are. God never says, you should have read the small print, you ticked that box after all. I think it is more, did you mean to do that, do you know what you are committing to if you follow this course of action? If you leave things as they are there will be consequences, why don’t we talk about it. I’ll give you all the strength you need to make some changes and reassure you for as long as it takes before these things disappear. Only God can do this infinitely. Even when we struggle and feel that we are losing perhaps the battle with temptation, energy or obedience, God comes alongside us asking what is it that you need? Just ask and I’ll help. Together with God you will overcome.

Erm… Looks like I have just written my first sermon.

On another note, I saw Daniel’s consultant today to discuss the circumstances surrounding his death. Whilst it was an emotional meeting, there were two things that came out of it which I find really helpful:

1. Daniel had the best possible medical care available and that there was no stone left unturned. His consultant was on call but didn’t have to see Daniel because on admission there was nothing sufficiently of concern. It was only due to the Consultant’s dedication that as it was Daniel he wanted to see him so everything was picked up early.
2. Daniel was a well loved little boy who could not have wanted for any more love.

In his short little life, Daniel had the best, which comforts and strengthens me. What a wonderful demonstration of God’s grace.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Gentleness

Today I had a truly amazing experience... It is a time for weeping at the moment, so I really hope that I can fast forward this phase of the grieving cycle. Today God showed me his tenderness and gentleness in a very tangible way. There were 2 things: firstly I was walking with a friend and she held my arm so that I was not walking alone. She was supporting me gently and I felt that this was a wonderful demonstration of how God walks alongside us during the bleakest of times. God revealed his tenderness even more powerfully by wiping away my tears. Has anyone had their tears wiped away? Again, it was my same friend who did this. A very simple gesture but one that was hugely powerful and I felt God saying that he wanted to wipe away my tears. When you are feeling so brittle and fragile this delicate dabbing away of tears is so loving and soothing. I have looked up in my Bible since, and it says in Isaiah 25 v 8 that "the Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces". Bring it on, Lord! It just goes to show how much he loves each and every one of us.

7 weeks today

I had to explain to the Job Centre today why I had not submitted my claim any earlier. Mmm... To say that compassion was not an obvious virtue would be an understatement. For those of you who haven't been in the Job Centre plus, talking to a person is optional(!!) You have to use a phone to call a call centre who will send you the forms out - must be the most cost effective way. Everything is all modern and open plan. Even job searching now has to be done on a touch screen with printing off any vacancies that are interesting. As a claimant I don't seem to fall in all the right boxes so I have gained a naughty sense of satisfaction about being too difficult to deal with. The fact that I have had a holiday and found some temp work in between just compounds matters but, hey, I never wanted to be simple.The job centre plus is really a very demoralising process so my heart goes out to anyone who has to do this on a regular basis. I am so glad that I can hang on to God's unconditional love.

I have now registered with 6 recruitment agencies and feel a bit like an actor waiting for his next script. Sometimes on the working front, I have to do the equivalent of reality TV (mmm....)

On Friday, I am seeing Daniel's consultant, as a form of closure. I will be asking him to explain how things happened given that everything progressed very quickly. I still find it hard to accept that I took Daniel into hospital and just over 8 hours later he was dead. I know that this will be difficult but like a lot of things, it is part of the grieving process allowing things to surface.

I shall be reviewing the 40 days due to my change in circumstances soon - you have been warned...

Oh and finally, I have had a book review that I completed for Woman Alive published in July's edition. As one of the readers on their panel I reviewed a book about being in an "unequally yoked" marriage.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Father’s Day

Today was a bit of a double whammy as it was also Kevin’s birthday. It was a day, which we got through, having a birthday lunch out did help. Our memories rewound a year to the day when we took Daniel to church in his “I love Daddy, Daddy loves me sweatshirt” when he was on oxygen. I can remember that this was a huge effort for us at the time, and we were bowled over by the love and attention that Daniel received (as he always did). Then, we thought that Daniel would be on oxygen for 24 hours per day and it was a fearful time for us. What a year it has been! We have learned so much, including about ourselves and one another. I have come to know God’s character better and am thankful that on a day like today I can also spend some time focusing on my heavenly Father. I am still challenged by the commandment to love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind and soul. And just before I go to bed, I am really going to pray for an attitude of giving God everything exactly where I am no matter what I am doing. This is more than just a resolution this is a lifelong commitment.


Friday, June 17, 2005

Back in Blighty

Kevin and I returned from France today after 5 days away. We enjoyed brilliant weather so much so that I am sporting the freckled tan trifle look. If you see me you’ll know what I mean…

In some ways, this break was bitter sweet in that, the last time we went to France this time of year was when I was 5 months pregnant with Daniel. We were able to do things this time that I could manage as before I found sight seeing a bit much. We did manage to have a relaxing time, but found that where we were holidaying seemed to be a great place for families with pre-school children to stay. I was so lazy that although I had bought some postcards I couldn’t bring myself to write one as it felt like too much hard work… Still, my phone allowed me to text so that was the next best thing.

We discovered new places, went shopping (well, Kevin found McDonalds whilst I flexed the plastic), did tonnes of walking, sampled new wines and generally took it easy. It was great not to have to rush anywhere.

When I got home Ernie had very kindly left me £50 (this offsets the cost of the excess baggage ON THE WAY GOING OUT!!!) I had also placed an advert in the Chronicle to sell some of Daniel’s stuff but wasn’t aware that it was going in this weeks. So there were heaps of messages to plough through but I was thrilled to be able to sell everything all to one buyer. She has a little girl who is now the proud owner of a number of Daniel’s things. It was easier than if it was a boy. It was also the very first time that we had had a child in our house since Daniel. Another milestone and it will be something that will come just that bit easier next time.

I’m off to bed now as I had a 5:30 a.m. start this morning!

Friday, June 10, 2005

How do you see yourself?

There have been a number of different things in the past week or so that have made me think about how do I come across? In the past, that would have really mattered as I was always concerned that I gave the “right” impression. Following the 40 Days of purpose, I am free to be God’s unique creation not having to work at being liked. God loves me despite all my inadequacies so that puts things in perspective for me. I have a huge sense of freedom now and contentment.

Last night I went to a social gathering and to say I was struggling was a massive understatement. Somehow I went through the motions and managed to just get through it (not without getting very emotional). Within 5 minutes of one another two different people asked me how I was getting on. I told one, that I was struggling and I had a reply that she could see that – fair enough. The other I just smiled at and the response that I got was that she was glad to see me happy. Happy?!!! Mmmm… I am not so bereft of feeling that I cannot see the funny side of things and enjoy being with people, but HAPPY? So it just goes to show, you can fool some of the people some of the time.

Somebody else said to me recently who knows about my recent circumstances that I looked like I had got my life together. I definitely saw the funny side to this!! I do not worry about how I come across now and whether I “fit” anyone’s idea of a grieving Mother. The tears are never very far away they are almost hidden behind the veil of living, but sometimes just spill out in unguarded moments. As someone said to me the other day, it’s like sneezing, sometimes you just have to. My personality is such that I would prefer not to bleed all over the place but that I would choose to release my emotions in private. It’s a bit like Pandora’s Box once you open it the lid never quite goes back on again. Please don’t feel that you cannot talk to me about Daniel, please do, it is just if I feel the lid is coming off, I do not want to fall apart totally. That is why church is great at times like this. It is a safe place and it really does not matter to me if I cannot hold it together.

At times like these I am reminded of Psalm 51 v 12: “Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me”.

Yesterday, I received a text message asking for a loan of some money. This was someone that I had helped who was in difficult circumstances but someone who I do not know very well. I just felt that I was now a “commodity” someone who could provide a service rather than a person and felt saddened by this. To this person, I probably came across as a “soft touch”. Don’t get me wrong, I would hate to see anyone in genuine need, but there are times when you have to be cautious in how you help. I am just praying that I am able to still show God in this situation.

Finally, it was my last day of my current assignment today. I was really encouraged as I received some positive and genuine feedback. To people who do not know me, I appear happy and friendly (it’s only when you know me that the truth will out…) I needed positive feedback in a work environment so that I can go back to work knowing that I can manage working. It is another hurdle jumped and one that gives a great sense of satisfaction. I do not have any other temporary work allocated at the moment but hope to do some after the Wimbledon season following our little sejourn in France. It’s knowing that I can that is important.




Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Another Tuesday...

Can you believe it but it is 5 weeks to the day when our darling Daniel rushed to be with the Lord. In that time, so much has happened and our memories are dimming. We are fortunate in that we have some video footage to jog our memories. A total of 3 minutes 45 seconds… We have a new gadget in the house, one of these DVD/video combis (doesn’t come with fries?!!) and we can see Daniel in slow motion. When we get to the end we just want to hit pause to keep him alive and with us.

Temping day 2 is much, much better than day 1. My business brain is back in gear (hurrah!) I am much more confident and know that the client is happy. I know that too much has happened for me to return to the world of HR but I have finally learnt that work is work. I am trusting that the Lord will provide something stimulating enough to keep me out of mischief but that I can get my fulfilment elsewhere. I have a real life of luxury as I am able to take the Wimbledon fortnight off to indulge in some serious viewing. How great is that? That is an answer to prayer as I have always resented working those 2 weeks.

What have I learned recently? That there is nothing that can separate me from the love of God and although I am on a voyage of discovery, he is right beside me whether I can see him there or not.

Monday, June 06, 2005

First Day

Well, I did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Today I rejoined the rat race but how sad is this, I chose to… It felt really odd this morning getting ready for my first temporary assignment. The last time I did paid work was in October 2003 so I did feel like I was going to school for the first time (Yes, I can still remember how I felt. They bribed me with biscuits and I never had any again as soon as I went to school – aaaagh….)

My assignment is only covering a reception desk but to add to the fun of life all the phones went down this morning. This should have been good for me but, it meant that all calls were diverted to a mobile and I could only take messages in what felt like 3 seconds before I missed the next call. Still, things got fixed and the afternoon went better although I was getting very bored when the switchboard started dozing off. Just think, I get paid to pray. Every time I had a gap, I can’t leave the desk or do anything but I can pray. If I am honest that was probably me at my most effective.

As a temp, you are often invisible and today I felt that I had borrowed Harry Potter’s cloak of concealment, wrap it round your shoulders and nobody knows that you are there. Still, it has its advantages, nobody expects anything from me other than to be a phone robot. I am there for the rest of the week and then, who knows.

I am applying for jobs but will temp until something turns up. If I could succinctly sell myself it would be – Hard worker looking for interesting job with reasonable wages. That would save me spending 3 hours per application.

I am pleased that I have managed today, as it is helping to restore my confidence. Thank you to all those who have prayed for me, I feel really encouraged.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Busy, busy, busy

It has been a funny few days. On Thursday I went through all Daniel's things and have been able to put them into various piles. Some are just way too precious even to contemplate passing on, but others are ripe for a new home. How could such a little one accumulate so much stuff? Anyway, 4 bin bags went to charity and one crate to the new Mother and Toddler group at Roxwell. It gives me comfort to know that many other children will enjoy playing with these. As I cleaned each toy I indulged in nostalgic memories savouring each occasion. When you are pregnant you spend ages preparing the nursery and attending to every little detail ready for your child. Under our current circumstances, you spend time dismantling and taking things apart which is a wonderful comparison to how you are feeling when you are doing it! However, what helps is to spend as much time and thought as possible in thinking who would benefit most from those things you individually selected in love for your child. This sad task then becomes one of pleasure, imagining the joy of those who receive. It is fitting that a child, like Daniel, who touched many people's lives when he was alive, can even still bless others. It is a comfort.

This may all sound rather depressing but in the midst of this I am reminded of the perfectness of God's timing. When buying toys for Daniel I used to select them to stimulate him, and each toy was an expression of love for him. When I found out that a new M&T group was starting at Roxwell that seemed an ideal place for them to go. Imagine my joy when I found out the person running it, had had her hair pulled by Daniel when he met her. I would not have wanted to hang onto these toys so it was wonderful to think that God has already earmarked them. This detail was important for me and sometimes it is unimaginable that something so very small could matter to me so much. God knows this and is so gentle. If God knows the smallest things in our hearts that have significance and lovingly attends to these details how much more does he deal with the big stuff in our lives?

What takes two people 2 hours and 4 cups of tea to finish? Reading all of the sympathy cards. On Friday, it was exactly a month to when Daniel died and we decided to take down all the cards - all 164 of them!! It was a time for tears. All I can say is that Kevin and I know how much we are loved which has really touched us. Sometimes the sheer extent of goodwill is difficult to comprehend, let alone the fact that God loves us totally and completely. An emotionally exhausting exercise but one that strengthens you afterwards. It is a form of release.

Today, it was difficult to do anything. We are trying to find an appropriate tribute for Daniel but the perfect item was hard to find. How could we find something that seemed to encapsulate our vibrant and cheeky son? Difficult but not impossible. I feel now that my decision making abilties have changed to what needs to be done and does it really matter anyway? We have to make all the standard decisons on cremation , what to do with the ashes, what sort of memorial, remembrance books. Once each one has been decided upon, it is like a cloud being lifted. All other decisions are "whatever". Interestingly enough, God never says "whatever" to us.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Tagging

Apparently this is a craze amongst bloggers where you select 3 people who pick out 10 things they like doing. Thanks to Shasha for nominating me. Scroll down to the bottom to see whether I have picked you…

Believe it or not I found choosing 10 things I enjoy a challenge at the moment as there were things that I really used to enjoy but I cannot include them in my top 10 because they no longer apply. The most enjoyment I ever had was being Daniel’s Mum. This exercise is good as it reminds me of things I haven’t done in a long time and hope that I can in the future. They are in no particular order just as they come into my jumbled brain…. I like:

1. Travelling, exploring new places, seeing the sights and experiencing different cultures. France is a particular favourite. In my dreams I would relocate and be a writer there. Picture the scene, crazy old English woman surrounded by cats with an endless supply of red wine on tap!
2. Writing, I find it relaxing and sometimes gives me a different way of looking at things. I enjoy the freedom of expressing things in black and white and it can be a good way of releasing feelings that need to bubble to the surface. I have sent an enrolment course off to a local college for 2 writing courses so I really hope that I can pick up a few tips and broaden my horizons.
3. Meeting new people, I love meeting new people and finding out about them. We are all so very unique and it is so interesting to hear about how other people do things. As a Christian, there is an added dimension for me, to understand either how God works in their life or needs to. Through the church you are united with many people who you might not otherwise have come into contact with.
4. Shopping, my all time record is to spend 5 hours in one shop (Dickins and Jones). That did included lunch… My absolute idea of heaven would be lined with avenues of shoe shops and I could acquire stylish new footwear in each one.
5. Catching up with good friends, at home my phone is often welded to my ear as I love a good chat putting the world to rights. Texting, emailing and blogging all are great ways of finding out what’s going on so it can be a bit addictive.
6. Reading, mainly whodunnits and thrillers. If I don’t want to have a plot to concentrate on a bit of chicklit does the trick.
7. Gardening, this gives the opportunity for creativity. I get really excited if my plants come back the following year. A garden can be a real area of retreat and solitude. I am definitely out of practice.
8. Church, yes more often or not I do. It is awesome to be in God’s presence and worship him. Our church is vibrant where God is very much alive and it is wonderful to be a part of that. The sermons are challenging and practical, the music uplifting with lyrics prompting you to examine your faith and you have the opportunity to catch up with good friends as - well as meet new people.
9. Eating out, this is a great time of year for eating out, lazy pub lunches, barbecues, picnics; wonderful.
10. Sleep, I have been described as a little dormouse who just curls up and goes to sleep whenever the feeling takes me. I could turn this into an olympic sport.

Well that’s the end of me. I have chosen to tag:

1. Phil Loose - http://www.looseworld.blogspot.com
2.Pat Kennett - http://www.kennettworld.blogspot.com
3. Penster - http://pensterworld.blogspot.com

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

God’s jigsaw

Over the past couple of days I really feel that God is putting together some of the pieces in my life. I can identify separate pieces of my life, which God is fitting together. Ok so I don’t know what the big picture is but sometimes I can see two or three pieces come together with a hint of an image that God enables me to see at that time. Gradually the other pieces will be put together showing God’s plan for me. He knows the plans he has for me, not to harm me but to prosper. (Wish I knew where this was in the Bible…)

When I went to church on Sunday morning we sang “our God is a great big God” which I had last heard at Daniel’s celebratory service. Don’t ask me why I just felt sick but managed to get through the song. I hadn’t intended on going to the evening service but God had other ideas. The sermon was on spiritual success and covered areas of what happens during times of pain. A very welcome sermon demonstrating that God’s timing is absolutely perfect.

Yesterday I was thinking about how I could serve God and approached someone to see if I could help them. Whilst we were not sure of exactly the role I could play, interestingly enough God had placed on their heart the desire to contact me but I rang first.

There was a prayer group today and I was prayed for in terms of finding suitable work. I have not been notified since my interview last week and given that a start date of 1st June was indicated on the advertisement I am reading between the lines. Immediately after the prayer meeting I went into an employment agency with which I had registered just over a week ago to take in some documentation. Apparently they had left a message on my voicemail for me to come in to discuss temporary assignments. They left the message around the time I was being prayed for (within 15 minutes) I now have a temporary assignment doing reception work for next week. This will give me some well-needed spending money when Kevin and I go away shortly after.

Isn’t it good to know that God knows how even the small details matter to us and he wants to be involved in the small things in our lives. We just need to trust him with these things too as we never know how significant even the smallest thing we do is.

Thanks to everyone who is praying for encouragement and strength. God answers prayer.