Last day

Yesterday was my last day in my temp assignment where I had been for a month. It went ok and it was only a small thing but one which I really valued. One of the chaps at work bought me a cream cake (yes, everyone has their price and that's mine...)

Later on I then registered with another recruitment agency that's 7!!! I had a typing test at the very end of the day which wasn't brilliant and they are now looking out for permanent jobs for me.

Today I saw an advert which got me thinking. It was for a Travel Agent of all things. It said "It's not where you are from but where you are going". It just reminded me that life is a temporary assignment with all the frustrations and high points that they can bring. Really uplifting. Who would have thought that I get encouraged by a Travel Agent's advert?

When God says no...

Given the complexity of my working life at the moment I was in severe danger of drowning in a sea of self-pity when I was talking to a friend who made a chance remark. It was one of those where I thought, oh,yeah! Why didn't I think of that - doh! She said to me that it's obviously not meant to be that you stay where you are working. I'd kind of overlooked this. I had prayed and God has now shut the door firmly and my last day is tomorrow. I also read somewhere that a "no" is not rejection. I also went to the Cathedral at lunchtime for some quiet reflection which helped. I know now that this is not where God wants me to be so it is easier to accept. I just feel so much lighter now this has been pinted out to me!

Contrast this to yesterday when I was experiencing the mega sulks with God and demanded encouragement. I was really surprised when I opened a letter about my hearing aid and received £50 of vouchers for my inconvenience!!

Mmm... really must learn to trust and obey!

Well tomorrow is my last day but I know God will provide.

C is for conflict

There has been no getting away from it but today has been dreadful... I have had to stamp my foot (as it were!) to get the ongoing saga of my hearing aid sorted. It needs to get tweaked a little as my hearing is so unique... To cut a long story short I have managed to arrange an appointment on Saturday in Chelmsford, beats Basildon or Romford :-) but this means I can't go to the Ladies Prayer Breakfast :-(

I have found out today that I will not be continuing where I am temping after this week. This is a very involved situation and one which I have found very disappointing. I feel broken as once again I have tried to pick myself up and have a go and it seems I've fallen over again figuratively speaking. Many people don't know what to say to me following Daniel's death and I can really understand that. There is no stock answer, wouldn't it be great if there was. Most people desperately search for something safe to say and it is usually" how's work?" To summarise work isn't working for me!! At least with temping I am doing something learning new skills and getting some money too. I know from previous experience it can take a long time looking for work so I want to reduce the number of gaps on my cv. So for now the one safe topic you can ask is "hows the weather".

I went to my writing class tonight and handed in my assignment. Kevin came up with a great idea yesterday about giving Bloggers the choice of endings. Not too sure about that but I will post it later in the week, you lucky things.

Question time

Tonight we went to a quiz being held for Farleigh and as we were on a clever table we came second (beaten by 1 point)... We did have a fun evening and our brains were stretched beyond our imagination. It's a very silly thing but we brought one of Daniel's toys along as a team mascot for a joke. Truffle, the wind up pig!! Well, one of the roles I enjoyed most about being a Mum was toy tester... Having Truffle with us reminded me about Daniel and it did feel a little like a comfort blanket.

I was really taken aback as I spoke to a former Colleague who asked after Daniel so I had to tell him. That wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't then immediately bumped into someone else who didn't know either. When I told them they started to cry and the more I was trying to comfort them the worse it was getting. It was definitely a feeling of beam me up scotty!! Amazing really, you would think that I wouldn't need any excuse to join in, but I couldn't.

On the work front, it is possible that I may be offered a temporary position and should hear sometime next week.

I also have to write an assignment on a "journey" by Tuesday. I just cannot get started and even housework looks inviting. Oh well, it's mind over matter.

Birthdays

Today would have been Daniel's 2nd birthday. A really tough time. I had today off from work because I knew that I wouldn't be able to concentrate. It has been a glorious sunny day. You know how there is normally a nutter in the community somewhere, the one whom everyone avoids... Well, today it was me! I went and bought some bubbles and sat on a park bench systematically creating many bubbles on the skyline. It felt right as Daniel liked bubbles and as time goes on, it is harder to remember what his likes and dislikes are. We still watch the church service which was captured on DVD. It is a very visual reminder of how others remember him, which helps.

People have been very kind, phoning, texting and sending cards. Obviously today has a huge significance to us but we never expected others to remember and it has been a powerful source of comfort to us.

Last year we had a number of people round to celebrate. At the time, I was advised not to allow Daniel to come into contact with children due to the risk of infection. So approximately 12 or so adults and Daniel spent the afternoon together. He revelled in all the attention. He was originally going to be in Great Ormond Street for his birthday but due to a cancellation it meant that we went a couple of weeks later. It's amazing the significance of this cancellation as we can at least hold a special memory. I cannot,however,celebrate today. It is too soon.

In Daniel's service, one of our Pastors, talks about every day being a gift from God. This is a mighty challenge right now.

Kevin and I went to our local pub for a meal this evening so we did have a special time. Moving towards Christmas will become harder and harder too as there are no happy memories of that day with Daniel. His first Christmas was in hospital and his second he was recovering from surgery. I can remember everyone telling me that there would be others. If only! I know he is having the most amazing party in heaven. Knowing him, he would probably be rolling off his cloud waiting for a blonde Angel to catch him...

Tears

I have had a blistering week and managed to shed many tears. I have thought of hiring myself out as a water feature (probably popular in Australia/New Zealand ) right now.

Last weekend we went to a wedding reception and I was doing really well until we got to an emotional speech when I just lost it... The Bride and Groom have a little boy, who will be celebrating his second birthday this week. I have had to to go to St John's this week and decided to pop in to see the Community Nurses whilst I was there. No tears - bonus points! I even bumped into Daniel's Consultant and had a good chat. Lots of smiles all round and I felt smug that my watery eyeballs were having a day off. They are considering getting Doppler blood pressure monitor with the funds that were collected in Daniel's memory. That is such an appropriate choice given Daniel's blood pressure problems.
Work, well, yet more tears. I cannot go into details other than to say I might appear to have had my feet under the table, however, it was just an illusion. I feel really disheartened that I am unable to move onto a new life workwise. I have been temping on and off a month after Daniel died and it is a very harsh existence. However, I thought that it would ease me back into the world of work gently and give me some spending money (well, it is an expensive time of the year). It hasn't worked out like that even though I always get good feedback from wherever I temp. I have applied for permanent positions without success either. I still look each week. I do not feel defined by what I do (or currently don't do). It is more about finding something that I can do that keeps me occupied and pays fairly. I just wanted to rebuild my life again. Really struggling with this despite knowing that no experience is wasted. Whilst I am trusting God with this the daily struggle and motivation to keep going is monumental. I just know that He is there. I can remmeber being given the following verse at Daniel's memorial service:

The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34 v 18

My first assignment...

Well, I thought it was time to share my "chair story". Get yourself a drink as it's a bit long... No prizes where I got the inspiration from... Let me know what you think!

"Take a seat."
She obeyed meekly feeling incredibly daunted. Her throat felt like yesterday’s toast and she wasn’t even sure that she was breathing but she guessed she must be. Her blouse was nipping her skin and it was such a long time since she had worn tights she had forgotten how uncomfortable and awkward they felt. That summed it up nicely, she thought, I feel like a pair of tights! Oh concentrate, and listen just try to look intelligent, wailed her subconscious.
"So, err…Emily", paused the first interviewer, reading her name off her application form, "why have you applied for this job?"
Because I need the money, why else? She thought. Stalling for time she reached out and took a leisurely sip of water from the glass on the table.
"I believe I have the kind of experience you are looking for, and would welcome the opportunity to build on my administrative skills" she replied in a subdued murmur. How feeble did that sound? Another question followed then another and another and another. It felt like a relentless tirade. She was willing herself to concentrate but found it so hard when her interviewers resembled a couple of vultures poised to pick over the remains of her carcass. But she was alive! It was Mother that died last month. She wanted so very much to do the best she could to make her Mother proud. Come on girl, she urged, you can do this, go, go go…
"It had been a huge sacrifice"; they all said when she had stayed at home to look after her Mother for the past couple of years. During that time she had learnt so much, she mused, but could any of this help her right now? She could hear her Mother’s voice saying, "No experience is ever wasted." Do I really have the strength to prove this right now? She asked herself. I guess I’ll never know unless I try.
" So, Emily, what personal qualities would you bring with you to this role?" the second interviewer asked, without any tone to his voice. She pictured her Mother smiling at her reassuringly.
"Well, I am organised, calm, working well under pressure and very reliable" she replied. These had proven to be essential characteristics when looking after Mother so they had to be transferable skills, didn’t they?
"We have another 5 candidates to interview but we should be able to let you know whether you have been successful by the end of the week" advised the first interviewer.
I suppose should is the operative word, she thought. I don’t even know if I want the job now. She did feel, however, that whatever the outcome attending the interview was a success.
She was on her feet now, shaking her interviewers’ hands and even managing a brief smile, which did not quite reach her eyes. It was over, at last! But, the first chapter of the rest of her life was just beginning.

Between a rock and a hard place...

As you know, I 've made a bit of an impression where I am working. There is a but! Whilst I enjoy what I do, the diversity of not knowing what I am going to do from one minute to the next, I have a growing sense of unease about being sociable outside work. It's not right for me to go into details here but I have a dilemma. I am so disappointed because working would be a new normality following Daniel. I need to find somewhere where I can settle down. I have lost track of the number of people who assume that I don't need to work. I had to give up work to care for Daniel and it is very hard to try to find gainful employment. I am not using work as a substitute but need to use the skills that I have before they seize up!! It is hard to focus on something else when it is a constant struggle to find a job and be treated fairly (temps don't get a good deal, on the whole...) This is proving to be a real toughie... If I had a regular income, this too could take the pressure off!

At the moment, my decision making skills are not quite what they could be. They are fine in a work capacity but not so good when it comes to looking at my future. I am praying that God would show me where he wants me for now.

Voulez vous manger avec nous?

Would you like to eat with us? Now that's not something I turn down every day! I was asked today by the MD where I am temping if I would like to join them for their Christmas do, in Paris!!! Hard one, hey. I have been temping there for 6 days so I am already part of the close knit team (total of 5 of us...) We are all going for a Chinese next week so it is a bit of a novelty to be included in things. I am enjoying this temporary assignment as I get to do some interesting things and everyone is grateful for what I do (believe me that is a rarity!) The culture of the company is work hard and play even harder so this is a whole new concept to try to understand. Nobody has asked me the children question yet, but I know that it will happen. The good news is that all my colleagues are men so it is less likely. The bad, well, I was asked today what were my views on "girlie" calendars at work were. Thank goodness for my HR background where stock answer number 377 came to mind. It is indirect sexual discrimination... I don't think that was the answer anyone was expecting.

Wonder what will happen tomorrow.

A life of contrast

Am trying hard to lighten my blogs by animation but unfortunately I have not mastered the art in the time available...

Yesterday, I went to church twice. Not to be seen as doing the right thing, not out of obligation but out of a sense that I needed and wanted to go. At church, there is the freedom and the gentleness (usually!) to be yourself without having to struggle on. I do find it such a contrast to the world outside. As it nears 6 months since Daniel died many people don't know how to respond to the grief which we still carry. For some, the risk in trying to get close to us is too much, our burden too intense and we are too difficult to deal with (it's been said...) We wish too that we had the answers to this but it is just a process which has to be gone through. I am grateful to many of you who have helped wipe my tears and listen as the floodgates of grief burst open. I still believe that God knew what he was doing when he made Daniel and that he knew when he should have him back. Kevin and I do remember the good times but as Christmas and what would have been Daniel's second birthday dawns, we accept that we won't be much fun to be around just then. Daniel has changed us and given many precious things in his short life with us.

Today we went to the Cinema to see Wallace and Gromit which we liked. A gentle comedy requiring no concentration - right up my street and we went for a eat as much as you can Chinese beforehand. Feel lovely and relaxed and it is only Monday!!

Tomorrow I am back at my writing course and will get the results of my chair masterpiece. I am looking foward to going although it will be a huge wrench to get me there. One of my former Doctors said to me that human beings were designed to hibernate and I really do feel the urge...

I am getting some very positivie feedback on my temporary assignment and hope to bring you some more news shortly.