Braynews

"Laughter is the brush that sweeps away the cobwebs of the heart" - Mort Walker

Sunday, July 31, 2005

A week in the life of brayworld...

I cannot believe that a whole week has gone past since the last time I blogged. Where does all that time go?

Not only have I been busy at work, covering more than one person's job, I have been busy every night. I am not really trying to burn the candle at both ends, but there have been a number of different things that I have needed to do. I am still writing correspondence relating to Daniel. I find this difficult as you can't help but be reminded of the last time he was alive. Still, it is a weight lifted from me now that it's done.

I went to see a friend on Friday who was present at Daniel's birth. It's a long story but suffice to say Kevin wasn't around until the very last moment. Whilst I was visiting her on Friday she took a call to say that she had a brand new Grandson born about an hour before my arrival. Another emotional moment shared. How my heart ached. I feel joy for her and her family but this intense sadness that my little boy is now playing in heaven rather than having playmates on earth. When I went into a card shop to buy a suitable card, I could feel the tears coursing down my face, I no longer feel embarassed about this level of emotion publically. When Daniel was alive I used to think that if anyone felt that they could look after him better than they could show me how it is done. I feel similarly in grief. Making a quick exit out of the shop I bumped into someone that used to visit professionally but they are no longer working. I hadn't really seen them but they wanted to chat to me and I was touched by their level of concern. This very simple act restored my strength and pointed out to me that no matter how busy I am, I am never really too busy to stop. Just a fraction of time may make a considerable impact on someone else.

Finally today, my family went out for lunch. There was 9 of us there. The last time we met up for a meal was on the day of Daniel's service. Although it was a lovely time, at the back of my mind, I kept thinking of a little boy who would have revelled in all the attention, taking centre stage. There came a point when someone mentioned him, which was ok, but it was the tributes that I couldn't handle. I just had to change the subject. Whilst on the outside I may smile and look as if everything is ok, it is a very different story on the inside. We are trying to get on with life but it is the very things that are the most painful which move us on the most. I feel that this is so true of my Christian life too. Sometimes, it would be very easy to give in and not do anything as the mountain of pain is too high to scale, however, to make progress I know that God will give me the courage and strength to climb mountains until I can look down and see the view from the top. At the moment, I have a sense of achievement that I have been able to reach the top (with a lot of help...) but know that the gruelling journey of grief will be a long one. Thank you to each of you who have helped support me on the way. xx



Sunday, July 24, 2005

Good News

LEarlier this week, I was asked to see the HR Manager where I am temping. So I entered her office full of trepidation. I feel so encouraged because God has given me an opportunity to continue temping where I am. Whilst I have found the work very uninspiring... I am working in a HR department. Some of you may know that my background is in HR. I am thrilled as the HR Manager has managed to identify a project which I can help with. This is anticipated to be for a couple of months and is actually a good developmental opportunity which could lead onto other things. If this wasn't good enough, I was encouraged still further when she gave me positive feedback on my character. I haven't told anyone about Daniel where I am as it is too much of an open sore. I did explain to the HR Manager why I was temping, in that I had had personal tragedy, and mentioned Daniel briefly. Any more than that I knew that I wouldn't be able to hold it together. What she then said next I found utterly amazing. My demeanor hadn't revealed my inner turmoil. I feel absolutely jubilant that even though on the inside I am an absolute mess,on the outside it doesn't show in a work environment. This is a miracle!!!!!!!!!!! I feel so uplifted by this. It astounds me that even when I am so not at my best, I have been given a good opportunity to use my skills, brush up on some old ones, whilst developing further. This has come from God and I am blessed by this.

Before I became Daniel's Mum I was defined by work but not any more. God has chosen Daniel to let me know what is important in life. God will reveal his purpose to me, but I know this that I will no longer be in the rut I used to be in. I need to heal before I can even think about future service.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

No such thing as a freebie....

On Sunday, I went back to the car park and wanted to give my ticket to a man standing by the machine. However, by the time I got there he had paid for a ticket and left (mental note must practice more fitness!!) When I looked at the ticket machine I was surprised to note that there were already 4 or so tickets stuck to the machine for anyone to use. Either this motorist was unobservant or he didn't think that a free parking ticket was worth having (well, there has to be a catch somewhere). It got me thinking that if such a small thing as accepting a car park ticket is difficult because it is too good to be true, how much more difficult must it be to accept the gift of eternal life from Jesus? I began to wonder whether I am equally as unobservant of help that is offered or whether I deliberately choose not to accept it. More to the point, how often do I do this to God? Well, it got me thinking...

Friday, July 15, 2005

Ups and downs...

This has been an easier week, relatively speaking, hurrah!! I have started up Jazzexercise which lasts an hour. It is a real discipline to do this on a boiling hot night but it's supposed to be good for me... Still, it takes place at the school opposite so I don't have to expend too much effort getting there - as I need to save it up!! Later on I received a copy of a Downs Support Group newsletter dedicated to Daniel complete with pictures. More tears spilled over. I have put this in the too emotionally difficult to deal with box (!) but really appreciate this gesture. To say I was touched was a huge understatement.

I was a witness to an accident last week and received the forms today. Basically a car went into the back of a bus and I was travelling directly behind the bus. When I was completing them, I began to think about what would have happened if I had been right behind the bus. Would I have stopped? It really made me think about God's timing and the protection that he gives. The accident happened just up the road from where I live at the end of a working day for me, it would have been so easy to have gone into the back of the car throught tiredness and lack of concentration.

Saving the best til last. Tonight Kevin and I strolled down to our local to enjoy a pub meal. We had taken Daniel there before but somehow neither of us seemed to recall this at the time. We had a good bite to eat, had a bit of a natter and a leisurely walk back. Whilst we weren't out for very long we were able to just enjoy something without working at it. A break through! It was such a good night we are going to do it again!! We are learning to live again and it was all the better because it was unexpected.

I have temp work for the next 2 weeks so at least I know what I am doing. Whilst I would prefer to do something more interesting I am able to leave work by 4:30 and 4:00 on Fridays!! I can get home and relax something that always eluded me in my old jobs.

Thank you for praying for us. It is so appreciated. :-) xx
I

Monday, July 11, 2005

No experience is wasted...

I honestly thought, niaively that things would get easier (I know I was wrong...) Mistakedly I thought that nothing would ever get as hard as having my final cuddle with Daniel - wrong again... There was the crematorium service and now there is just living. Sometimes I feel that I would like to wear a badge RB (recently bereaved) like new drivers who have just passed their test. I was encouraged when I went to church yesterday that people told me that they hadn't forgotten Daniel. If you have a favourite memory of Daniel please share it with me. I have forgotten what Daniel looks like now.

Adjusting to life following being on planet sick child is disorientating. I have forgotten how to do basic things. Where I am temping at the moment I have seen some oxygen cylinders and I am automatically thinking about how much oxygen is in there and what type of flow head it has. How sad is that?

There isn't much temporary work out there at present and I have been in an assignment where I am doing the sort of work that you would give to a 16 year old looking to gain experience. This is soul destroying but despite looking into other options nothing is coming my way. I don't handle rejection well at present, but need to work for my own sanity. It's just exhausting trying to sell yourself all the time even for temporary work. I have lost a lot of confidence in the workplace.

I do believe that God does not withold any good thing from his children so I am trusting him and pray that I would be open to learning from these experiences.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

In Daniel's Memory

I am really thrilled to tell you that people have very generously contributed a total of £2000 in memory of Daniel. This will be equally divided between Sunshine Ward, at St John's Hospital and also Little Haven Hospice. Our heartfelt thanks to everyone who has donated so very generously. It is of immense comfort to us, knowing that others will benefit through these contributions and a little part of Daniel lives on. There are so many good causes to support so we do really appreciate this volume of giving. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

The King’s Garden

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I have wanted to blog regularly this week but just haven’t had the get up and go. On a personal level it has been an awfully emotional week even before the events of Thursday took place. I cannot pretend to understand what the many families are experiencing who have loved ones caught up in Thursday’s devastation. To say that I am hurting with them sounds trite but I can empathise with their feelings of loss and grief. As time passes, I am finding the grieving journey more anguishing and the pain more intense. Unfortunately, I have been transported by all the images of death to a hospital room giving Daniel his last cuddle this side of eternity.

Kevin had the great idea of going to Hampton Court Flower show today. We have always enjoyed gardening so I was determined to enjoy myself. We saw lots of beautiful flowers and marvelled at the richness and splendour of the blooms that we saw – lots of oohing and aaghing went on…We took a friend along and did have a good time. I had my heart set on a Fuchsia called “Danny Boy” for obvious reasons and went to buy one without success. I came away feeling a little empty. Not much to ask is it to find a flower to remember Daniel by?

Feeling a little heavy and dispirited when we arrived home I noticed an interflora card. We had been left a floral arrangement. My petulance immediately vanished when we saw who had sent it – the nurses from the Cardiac Ward at Great Ormond Street. They hadn’t seen Daniel since September last year and he was a little favourite of theirs. This gesture was so well received and meant more to me than the Fuchsia. It just got me thinking…I know I desire things which are not massive in the great scheme of things, but which is significant to me. God recognises what I really need and even though I do not deserve what he provides in his gentleness and love he graciously gives.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

What a difference a day makes.

I could scarcely believe it today when I heard of the terrorist bombing in London. Who would have thought that scenes of jubilation following the 2012 Olympic bid would be turned into ones of destruction, death and chaos today. There are no easy answers as to why this happened. I am again reminded of Psalm 121 and believe in God who is bigger than our worst enemy.

Corrie Ten Boom along with her Sister was imprisoned by the Nazis at a concentration camp. Unfortunately, Corrie's sister, died there. Before she dies she tells Corrie that there is no pit that is too deep for God. I find that comforting.

Today there is so much suffering. At the time of writing there are 37 deaths and hundreds injured. In the twinkling of an eye, lives have been shaken upside down. On a human level I can only imagine what the families are going through who have loved ones caught up in the evil plans of men. Prayer changes things so even though I do not know how my prayers may be answered, I know that God is faithful.

Monday, July 04, 2005

Difficult Day…

The 3rd of July is exactly 2 months to the day when Daniel died so I knew it was going to be difficult. When I went to church this morning, we sang “How Great Thou Art”. This hymn was played at Daniel’s crematorium service and also sang at his Celebratory Service. It was really hard to shift the images of a tiny white coffin with a pair of Daniel’s blue sandals and a teddy bear from my mind. I started off well, but by the 3rd verse I am sobbing uncontrollably. Fortunately this was the final hymn. I have a good friend either side of me and all of us are weeping together. Definitely the sign of a good friend. Whilst I really detest being so emotionally open, I feel blessed that church is a safe place. So be warned if you sit next to me my emotion may spill over (and always carry a spare hanky please!!)

Ever feel that God is trying to tell you something? I went into the church bookshop and saw “How to get a grip on grief” and “Losing a Child”. It did make me laugh. I now have them to add to my grief collection. I will soon be an expert.

I bumped into a former colleague today and she knew how supportive Elim is to us as a family and that was without me telling her. I think that it is great that people know this. Who knows where this may lead.

I managed to channel all my emotion into the Wimbledon final but felt that a bit lacklustre so made a complaint to the Jobcentre instead. I have even written to the Chief Executive for his personal intervention following my subhuman treatment there. I have also made a number of suggestions on how to improve the service. Well, you never know unless you try…

Thanks for your continued prayers. I used to know a Preacher at former church and he often would say that God can bring order out of chaos. I believe this and am praying that God would reveal to me what I am going to learn from this. I believe I am being prepared for “such a time as this” whatever that may be.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

What next?

Do you ever think about why you are in a situation and cannot see how you are going to move on from it? That’s where I am at, right now. Yesterday, temping, I shut myself in the filing vault (yes, it’s humanly possible!!) as a member of staff returned from maternity leave showing all the baby photos. I was never able to do that and sometimes it is hard to accept God’s sovereignty in my life. Kevin and I will never have any more children so Daniel was all that we had. Pat’s comments on Psalm 121 are so true, if you see a mountain, remember who made them… This does help as God can guide us around the mountain or over it if we just ask him. He doesn’t let us “soldier on” without reassuring us but we just need to trust him.

One verse that I keep coming back to is 1 Corinthians 9 – 10:

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him but God has revealed it to us by his spirit.”

At the moment I may feel rooted in my grief where everyone around me appears to move on, but God hasn’t forgotten me or just left me there. I weep waterfalls of tears for the loss of my Son, but God hasn’t written me off because I am so broken. During this time, I believe he is preparing me for his purpose which he will reveal to me and irrespective of my wretchedness he still uses me. I choose to trust in the Lord no matter what else happens and I know that no harm can come to me.