Sleep

I need sleep! Fortunately, the clocks go back so I get an extra hour and believe me I need it…
Today, we went to Basildon where I have picked up my new state of the art hearing aid – at last! Whilst it cost me several arms and even more legs, I feel pleased that I am able to hear things that previously I’ve missed. Even though the NHS had provided a new digital one, whenever the phone rang I got a feedback type of echo which I don’t get with my new one – yay! From a vanity point of view I can have different hair styles… Not sure what I’ll do now – any suggestions (nice ones please…)
On a bit of a high I managed to sneak an hours shopping before persuading poor Kevin that the shops at Lakeside are so much more superior. Bless him, he was then coerced into driving me there. He had to buy some clothes so he did need to go too (but not as much as I did!)
We got back home exhausted and I had a few zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
I am temping next week at the same place which is good news. Not sure yet, whether this is likely to lead to anything else.

Little steps...

Today when I went into the temp assignment where I was working my new Boss aked me if I was looking for a permanent job... Who knows where this will lead? I'll keep you posted.

Not according to plan...

I have started temping again today at a local company for local people!! I am working in the West End - only Chelmsford. I had a flurry of phonecalls yesterday so today I found myself contemplating another new beginning. Within an hour of starting, I felt at home and reasonably relaxed. I am not doing anything awe inspiring but it is interesting to see how different you can be treated in dissimilar environments. Amazing. I don't know how long I am likely to be there for but even doing the most menial tasks am happy to make a difference. I see this as a parallel to the Christian Life. In temping, you never know how long your assignment is for, what the job description actually says, and the difference you can make by doing even the smallest of things. I have noticed that sometimes even the teeniest tiniest bit of co-operation can go a long way. See where I'm going with this? Due to the problems that I have had with the honesty of Recruitment Consultants (think Estate Agents with even less moral fibre!!!) I need to find work on a more long standing basis.

So for now the Christmas cake is on hold...

A good spend of time...

I am feeling much better than last week but I don't have any temporary work lined up as yet. Just by the end of the week, I was crawling the walls. Before Daniel, I immersed myself in work so didn't really develop many hobbies and when he came along even less so... Blogging counts, I know!

Shopping used to be a favourite passtime but it has lost its sparkle for me - how sad is that?

Still, feeling positive I thought that I would start scrapbooking all my Daniel photos. Unfortunately, my printer has decided not to co-operate and in an act of rebellion refuses to give me anything that resembles decent picture quality - it's mainly all lines. Boo hiss! It used to work...

II just need to find myself something to gainfully occupy me other than the cleaning, washing and ironing. At least now, the TV has been fixed so we can access all digital channels. I have recently found Premier radio too so am not going to completely vegetate.

I have done crosswords, sudoki, read a number of books and magazines, even done some writing but fulfillment still currently eludes me...

I suppose now would be the time to immerse myself in trivia and try to memorise things. Whilst, I can tell you really stupid things like what I wore on my first date with Kevin (!) my powers of recall for shorter term things just slip my mind. Perhaps I need to try it to get my brain in practice...

I have some good DVDs and whole shelves of books that I can read. I might even make a Christmas cake!!!

Normal

Yes, I am striving for a level of normality when everything seems to overpower me at the moment!

I was supposed to have a temp assignment this week. There have been a number of problems with it and now I'm home feeling a bit poorly so have had to stop working this week. Believe it or not this was an answer to prayer!! It is hard to keep motivated sometimes and this is one of those times. I am having a bit of a rest to rid myself of all my germ.s

Thought that I would "chill" out and watch/listen to our new digital TV service which packed up today...

I will probably do a spot of writing as it least it will keep me out of trouble. My writing assignment was ok and the Tutor is looking at them over half term. Today, I also received a copy of the article that I wrote in a local Downs Syndrome magazine about Daniel.

I also went to the Job Centre again today and I am treated sympathetically and with respect. They recognise that I am genuinely looking for work so that helps.

Definitely feeling better than at the beginning of the week - yay!

Elim Ladies Day

This is the 3rd year running I have been to this Ladies event at Elim and every year the standard is so high I keep thinking it can't be bettered but somehow it is.

I got a lot from it particularly the first seminar by Margaret Peat - Sitting on the Father's knee. Something that I found very powerful was the poem used in this seminar entitled the Father's Love letter. It basically uses biblical references to show how and how much God loves us. We paired up and divided the poem in two reading half to our partner and vice versa. It made my hair stand on end... I did feel absolutely treasured and it was one of those moments in your Christian life which you know will stay with you for a long time.

In the afternoon Maria French did some wonderful dancing and then I joined in... It reminded me of an aerobic class where all the class is going in one direction and muggins here is going in another. It did make me laugh and I know that my gifting is not in my feet!! Still, I was grateful to be able to dance before the Lord no matter what it looked like. Since losing Daniel it has never seemed right to dance in church before so it was as if this stronghold has been broken.

I was absolutely shattered at the end of the day and caught the bus to go home. Problem number one - 1st bus took one look at me and refused to stop!! It wasn't even full but the driver didn't see me. When I got on the 2nd bus, I got distracted and overran my stop (by 2!!) I then had a good 40 minute walk over grass and an uneven path to get home. Feeling totally worn out now, I looked at the post and had received a letter in connection with Daniel as well as confirmation of my temp assignment with a lower rate of pay quoted than agreed. My feel good factor evaporated incredibly quickly. I have now prayed for protection for all attendees of today's event against any type of spiritual sabotage.

Oh yes, each of us got a goodie bag and I felt like a schoolgirl again opening the free gifts that go with her comic. These were excellent and thoughtfully prepared.

Tomorrow, I have to do an assignment for college. I have to write up to 1500 words on a story which includes a chair...

Well, I have to catch some sleep now.

Night night.

Pinball machine

Does anyone remember the pin ball machines normally in arcades at the seaside? Well, I feel that I am trapped in one! I thought naively that the 3 days off I had this week would be a semi-rest by organising things done, going to appointments etc. Only one of the appointments I have made has gone according to plan so I am feeling rather wrung out being bounced from pillar to post...

Things are looking up as I have temp work lined up for all next week in Shenfield. I am often asked about why I don't get a permanent job. My main reason for this is I need the flexibility rather than take a permanent job which I am tied to. I am still unsure what to do now as I no longer want a career in Personnel and practically do not feel that I would want to return to a hospice environment. So I am having new experiences each time I get a different assignment, learning different skills and sampling different types of organisational culture. It is the ultimate in paid work experience!!

When I went to the Job Centre this week, the absolute contrast to how they treated me previously could not be any greater. This time they were sensitive to my circumstances and fully understood my reasons for temping. They went out of their way to be helpful and I have even been given the direct dial number of my contact there which is a first and nothing short of a miracle...

It is hard to come back from holiday because even though you know Daniel isn't here you forget momentarily and it is almost like an emotional mugging because it comes from nowhere without any warning.

I am pleased to be going to the Ladies day tomorrow at church as it looks like a great informative day.

Oh and I did 265 bounces on my trampette this morning - another personal best.

:-)

Back in Blighty...

Had to get up at 4:30 a.m to catch the return flight today and am rushing around. I even went to Evening Class tonight and had to concentrate for a whole 2 hours - believe me that was tough nearly a personal best... Although I am not working this week I seem to be busier than ever(!!)

I also made the mistake of standing on the scales - HUGE mistake!! I shall have to bounce for Britain on the trampoline tomorrow. Shame I can't do the ironing at the same time. Oh well, never mind...

La France est fermé

France is shut... Well, it is today! There is a 24 hour strike which covers the air traffic controllers and means that we are not going anywhere today. Instead we will have to get up at 3:30 a.m tomorrow to catch a flight for a different airport - Zut alors! Not what we had hoped for but at least we still get to have our holiday. We didn't want to start change our options too much as the cost of our tickets were £1 each... I hope that this holiday I will be able to drive in France which will be a huge challenge (I don't like driving) so driving in a foreign land will be an immense achievement. Other than that it will be a relaxing break, drinking fine wines and having the odd stroll around.

See you soon.

:-)

The tin box

Today, it is 5 months to the day when Daniel died. We are supposed to be packing for our next jaunt to France only tomorrow but we don't really feel like it. We dropped into the Undertakers and brought Daniel's ashes home in a golden colour tin which is hermatically sealed. It seems hard to reconcile that our vibrant, cheeky boy will never reappear on earth. That's final. Just when I think that I can cope, my eyes seem to take on a life of their own and want to be awarded a medal for the most tears they can shed in the least amount of time...

Yesterday, I managed two whole church services without a tear!!!! In the evening we went to Hammersmith and we ddrove near Great Ormond Street. It is amazing how powerful these memories can be. I met up with a number of people from my old church who haven't seen us for about 8 years. The news had travelled...
I just feel that whenever I walk into a room there is a hush that is almost deafening. It is so hard for people as they don't know how to respond to me. When I began asking questions people felt apologetic that they had children. One friend said that she didn't like to talk about her children in front of me. It is always going to be difficult but I don't begrudge anyone having children. One of the things that I have valued the most is those people who accept that some days I am going to be "down" but try to engage me in conversation about normal stuff. There will be triggers reminding me of painful or happier times but we cannot hide from these things. Sometimes it may be the most innocent things that rekindle precious memories. It is important to be able to see what is happening to others even the grotty stuff. A friend said to me recently that she didn't want to bother me with something but I don't want to be trapped inside this prison of grief being completely oblivious to anything else.

Really glad that we are going away again and it is a good time to get away. I hope to temp again upon our return.