Braynews

"Laughter is the brush that sweeps away the cobwebs of the heart" - Mort Walker

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

What am I up to?

I know it's only Thursday morning but I feel like I have done a whole weeks worth of things (not bad when you consider I have only been to work 1 day this week so far...) I have caught up with my 40 Days reading finally - YIPEE
Last night I decided to emerge as a Domestic Goddess and cook Kevin a 3 course meal. So I spent 2 hours cooking French Onion Soup (Rick Stein recipe) - mental note this is for cooks only, who else can spend 2 hours making soup and that's without making my own stock!! Anyway, I thought I'd surprise the usually malnourished Kevin when he came in. Apart from thinking he was in the wrong house, his eyes started streaming from all the onions I had been cooking... Never mind the soup was ok. Today I have been on the phone 10 times!! All these have been social calls. The blue man is exercising his tongue and I think that I am going for gold on this! It has been great to meet up with a number of church folk this week during the day and have times of fellowship and prayer. More talking... Funny, my tongue never seems to flag, it always has enough energy to keep going and going. Kevin has even been known to answer the phone with "Sarah Bray's answering service..." Perhaps I should do a sponsored silence after all.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Mothering Sunday


As you may imagine today has been difficult. I have been a bit self indulgent and share a picture of Daniel on his first Mother's Day -bless him! I really cannot remember how we spent Mothers Day last year. Ten months on memories fade which is hard as you really want to hang onto everything you can remember. The last day I can remember is of Kevin getting Daniel up in the morning but not before we all had a three way cuddle in our bed. We used to do a lot of that at the weekends. Daniel's oxygen tubing would wind itself around us but that didn't matter. On that last morning he was laughing and grabbing my hair which was so characteristic of him.

In church today we sang one of the songs that was at Daniel's memorial service - Our God is a great big God complete with all the actions. We then sang another emotional song for me where the refrain goes: "empty handed but alive in His hands" This always brings a lump to my throat without fail as I feel the void of life without Daniel. I do thank God, though, that I had the privilege of being a Mother. One of the things I find most difficult following Daniel's death is that some people find it easier to deal with his death because Daniel had Downs Syndrome - we don't. This hurts as it is hard to understand how people can feel that life has less meaning if you are disabled - it hurts even more when they feel they are encouraging us when they tell us!! We will never know the person that Daniel would have been but he would have had a quality of life and parents that love him. It is hard to be left behind sometimes and this has truly been a difficult weekend.

On Friday, when I went into the temporary assignment the lady sitting next to me was overjoyed that she had received a present from her Son which he sent to the office. She then read out the poem that he sent to her - lots of oohs and aaghs from the staff. Uncharacteristically, I am mute... I never begrudge that others have children and enjoy them, it's just sometimes, I feel totally separate. Feeling a little bruised on Saturday I went to a Ladies Meeting at church, which I found difficult emotionally. When I came home there was a lovely bouquet waiting for me from my Sister which cheered me. Her thoughtfulness was really touching particularly as someone had suggested that flowers might offend. How can you offend by giving flowers? (Male readers, please note you can never go wrong with flowers...)

Anyway, on Saturday we also received a letter from Daniel's consultant at St Johns. They have decided to buy a Doppler blood pressure monitor for use with babies who have cardiac conditions from some of the donations received in Daniel's memory. This is very fitting and we are pleased that these funds have been allocated in this way.

I look back on Daniel's life and was thrilled that I had the privilege of being his Mum. That's something that nobody will ever be able to take away

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Guess what?

I GOT THE JOB!!
Well, you could have knocked me down with a feather! When I got back from the Ladies meeting today I saw the postman (it was gone 2 pm) and didn't really think much about it. When my post was delivered a little later I had an A4 envelope from the company who interviewed me yesterday. As soon as I saw it I thought that, well, they wouldn't send me all that information if I hadn't been successful. Anyway, I will be starting on 10th April if all the formalities can be completed in time.
I am just so very thankful. I feel now that the next step of the healing process can take place. One of the good things about this job is that I will be able to renew my membership of the Institute of Personnel and Development (I let it lapse following my maternity leave). In the role of Personnel Administrator I will not have the same level of authority as I am used to however, at this time, I know that I can confidently do what is asked of me! I will have the opportunity to learn new things though so I am pleased.
I will be temping until the end of next week and then have a week off before starting my new job.
Thanks to everyone who has been praying for me, sending me emails and texts. It is much appreciated.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

2nd interview...

Just a quick blog to say that I had my second interview this morning at 9 am. I was there for 2 hours!! I had four tests (I could only do 3), met up with the Chief Executive and was interviewed again by my original interviewer!! I was absolutely exhausted before heading off to my current temp assignment. Apparently it is between myself and one other person. No pressure then... I should hear by the end of this week. I REALLY WANT THIS JOB! This is not my ideal job (not sure what would be) but at this stage, it would build on so many things that I have done professionally. Part of me doesn't want the end of the week to come in case I came second. I am praying and trying not to look at what do I do if... Does anyone else stuggle with having patience in affliction?

Thanks for all your encouragement.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

You can't ? for toffee?


It turned out to be a bit prophetic (or should that be pathetic?) but Kevin reminded me last night that I can't park for toffee... Apparently, I had somehow blocked him in the drive yesterday completely unawares. Our drive is easily big enough for 5 cars so technically there shouldn't be a problem... I couldn't prove this though this morning as the parking fairy had been... I absolutely loathe parking and any delicate manoeuvring of the car so today I had a bit of a shock. I went to a new assignment this morning which is a converted house into offices. There was only one car in the rather tiny car park and somehow I managed to shoehorn my car into a gap of sorts. When I came to leave tonight there were another 3 cars and a lampost within striking distance (yes, literally!) After much puffing and panting, praying, stalling and gear changing my car was freed from the car park. I felt so pleased that I had managed it without resorting to my usual measures, accosting a stranger to move the car or waiting until everyone else has left.

This was on top of a day where it just felt like one of those days to start... In my temporary capacity I wrote to Great Ormond Street, Daniel's Consultant, my GP practice and dispensary, was asked whether I had children and told about someone else's Down Syndrome son. It really did have a "deja vue" feeling about it all and wore me out!!

Never mind, the money will come in handy but unfortunately did not manage to take my mind off things but what a day! Really glad that tomorrow will be different - phew!

Monday, March 20, 2006

A day in the life of ...


I haven't deliberately stopped blogging it's just that so many other things have been shouting for my attention... It might even be my brain rebelling! A very worrying thought. Anyway, I have had a busy time being full of the lurgy... So I have had to do nothing :-( and have been so full of horrible things that I couldn't even blog or eat a Cadbury's Cream Egg, you get the idea of how serious it was!! Particularly as I couldn't even face church either (that's 3 weeks I've missed and I feel like I have been away for years!!) In am now behind on my 40 Days of Community book. I had only just caught up after missing some chapters on holiday.

Today, I have felt so much better and met up with a friend for lunch. 5 hours later I thought I ought to get home to cook Kevin's tea before I go heading off out for a talk on Witchcraft. Before any wise comments it is by an Author as part of Essex Book Fair and it related to the trials in East Anglia taking place in the 17th Century. Interesting stuff.

Anyway, the very good new is that I have a second interview on Wednesday at 9 a.m. Thanks to those of you who have been praying. I really appreciate it. Apparently Wednesday's meeting is going to last about an hour and a half (can you imagine the interviewer!!) I am not nervous yet, but I'm sure that I will be first thing Wednesday.

I start a new temp assignment on Tuesday which should last for 6 days and I am thrilled as this week I am able to go to the Ladies Meeting on Thursday. I have come to really value these meetings and have met up with people I would never normally have come into contact with in the confines of the church service. Additionally, some of the sharing within the group has been so inspiring and motivational.

Must dash now, need to get ready for tomorrow.

:-)

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Terrible Twos

Since I have been back two seems to be a significant number.

One of the first things that I do upon dumping my suitcases in the hall is to pick up the mail whilst having a huge mug of tea. Sometimes I even sit down when reading it... Anyway, having sorted the post I am down to two letters, one from Chelmsford Borough Council and I eagerly rip open the envelope only to be told ...."you were unsuccessful..." My holiday mood evaporated and I'd only been home less than 15 minutes!! Feeling stung that I'd failed at the interview :-((((( I then opened the other letter. It was a letter from Elim telling me that I have been accepted as a Member of the Church - yay!! So from rejection to acceptance in less than 5 minutes... I am thrilled and thinking about it (as I do sometimes!) I would have hated to have my membership of Church declined. So, it's the right way around. It also reminded me that whilst I may feel rejected by others God never does which always puts a smile on my face.

A tale of two watches... I bought a rather posy looking watch in France as a Happy Birthday present to me. Can you imagine my disbelief when yesterday when I wanted to wear it to my interview it had stopped working completely!! I only bought it on Saturday (aagh!!) Unfortunately, it is not available in the UK. Anyway, my other boring watch, the one I use all the time I kind of misplaced (those of you who know and love me will understand how often this happens) I went round to a friend's with a naked arm, my virtual watch being the suntan(!) around where the strap normally is. I began to panic thinking I'd lost it. Well, after a search I found it, now it's just my brain that's missing...

And finally, I was asked yesterday in the middle of another job interview, "So you have a 2 year old then?" Pity my poor interviewer, she had no idea of what was going to come next. I felt that I had to correct that because if I didn't I would spend the rest of the interview "internalising" my grief. I didn't cry but this in itself was a struggle and then I moved on in the interview much to my interviewer's relief. Despite this I thought the interview went well with me being almost me again!?? Anyway, I'll hear whether I go for a second interview next week.

Continuing with the 2 theme, I have two temporary assignments just unfortunately at the same time!!

A lots happened since we got back on Sunday.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

40 Days of Community

Day One

Well, I have managed to read today's chapter of the 40 Days of Community. Last year I found it really helpful to keep a journal on the 40 Days of Purpose and so as I'm a creature of habit (well, ish...) I thought I'd have another go. Those of you who know me will have cottoned onto the fact that I'm really not that disciplined even though I mean to be...so this ensures I don't put off what I need to do.

Although this is a short blog, because I have no inspiration today at all :-( the one thing that came across to me from the chapter about love was that it is a choice and not a feeling. There are a number of relationships which I struggle with and believe me the feeling is not there at all... However, I am reminded that you can show someone love even though you may not be feeling it!!

Given the selfish nature of the grieving process it is often about how I'm feeling at a particular time in response to various triggers. I am looking forward to concentrating upon others needs which will encourage me to look out as opposed to looking inwardly.

I have a feeling that this book is really going to challenge me. I found the 40 Days of Purpose the most challenging book I have ever read excluding the Bible. Hope my brain can stand it particularly as I am really busy before I go away.

I am thrilled to say that I have another interview lined up but this will be on the 14th March which will be sufficient time to recover following the gruelling car journey back from France.