Mothering Sunday

As you may imagine today has been difficult. I have been a bit self indulgent and share a picture of Daniel on his first Mother's Day -bless him! I really cannot remember how we spent Mothers Day last year. Ten months on memories fade which is hard as you really want to hang onto everything you can remember. The last day I can remember is of Kevin getting Daniel up in the morning but not before we all had a three way cuddle in our bed. We used to do a lot of that at the weekends. Daniel's oxygen tubing would wind itself around us but that didn't matter. On that last morning he was laughing and grabbing my hair which was so characteristic of him.

In church today we sang one of the songs that was at Daniel's memorial service - Our God is a great big God complete with all the actions. We then sang another emotional song for me where the refrain goes: "empty handed but alive in His hands" This always brings a lump to my throat without fail as I feel the void of life without Daniel. I do thank God, though, that I had the privilege of being a Mother. One of the things I find most difficult following Daniel's death is that some people find it easier to deal with his death because Daniel had Downs Syndrome - we don't. This hurts as it is hard to understand how people can feel that life has less meaning if you are disabled - it hurts even more when they feel they are encouraging us when they tell us!! We will never know the person that Daniel would have been but he would have had a quality of life and parents that love him. It is hard to be left behind sometimes and this has truly been a difficult weekend.

On Friday, when I went into the temporary assignment the lady sitting next to me was overjoyed that she had received a present from her Son which he sent to the office. She then read out the poem that he sent to her - lots of oohs and aaghs from the staff. Uncharacteristically, I am mute... I never begrudge that others have children and enjoy them, it's just sometimes, I feel totally separate. Feeling a little bruised on Saturday I went to a Ladies Meeting at church, which I found difficult emotionally. When I came home there was a lovely bouquet waiting for me from my Sister which cheered me. Her thoughtfulness was really touching particularly as someone had suggested that flowers might offend. How can you offend by giving flowers? (Male readers, please note you can never go wrong with flowers...)

Anyway, on Saturday we also received a letter from Daniel's consultant at St Johns. They have decided to buy a Doppler blood pressure monitor for use with babies who have cardiac conditions from some of the donations received in Daniel's memory. This is very fitting and we are pleased that these funds have been allocated in this way.

I look back on Daniel's life and was thrilled that I had the privilege of being his Mum. That's something that nobody will ever be able to take away