Busy, busy, busy

It has been a funny few days. On Thursday I went through all Daniel's things and have been able to put them into various piles. Some are just way too precious even to contemplate passing on, but others are ripe for a new home. How could such a little one accumulate so much stuff? Anyway, 4 bin bags went to charity and one crate to the new Mother and Toddler group at Roxwell. It gives me comfort to know that many other children will enjoy playing with these. As I cleaned each toy I indulged in nostalgic memories savouring each occasion. When you are pregnant you spend ages preparing the nursery and attending to every little detail ready for your child. Under our current circumstances, you spend time dismantling and taking things apart which is a wonderful comparison to how you are feeling when you are doing it! However, what helps is to spend as much time and thought as possible in thinking who would benefit most from those things you individually selected in love for your child. This sad task then becomes one of pleasure, imagining the joy of those who receive. It is fitting that a child, like Daniel, who touched many people's lives when he was alive, can even still bless others. It is a comfort.

This may all sound rather depressing but in the midst of this I am reminded of the perfectness of God's timing. When buying toys for Daniel I used to select them to stimulate him, and each toy was an expression of love for him. When I found out that a new M&T group was starting at Roxwell that seemed an ideal place for them to go. Imagine my joy when I found out the person running it, had had her hair pulled by Daniel when he met her. I would not have wanted to hang onto these toys so it was wonderful to think that God has already earmarked them. This detail was important for me and sometimes it is unimaginable that something so very small could matter to me so much. God knows this and is so gentle. If God knows the smallest things in our hearts that have significance and lovingly attends to these details how much more does he deal with the big stuff in our lives?

What takes two people 2 hours and 4 cups of tea to finish? Reading all of the sympathy cards. On Friday, it was exactly a month to when Daniel died and we decided to take down all the cards - all 164 of them!! It was a time for tears. All I can say is that Kevin and I know how much we are loved which has really touched us. Sometimes the sheer extent of goodwill is difficult to comprehend, let alone the fact that God loves us totally and completely. An emotionally exhausting exercise but one that strengthens you afterwards. It is a form of release.

Today, it was difficult to do anything. We are trying to find an appropriate tribute for Daniel but the perfect item was hard to find. How could we find something that seemed to encapsulate our vibrant and cheeky son? Difficult but not impossible. I feel now that my decision making abilties have changed to what needs to be done and does it really matter anyway? We have to make all the standard decisons on cremation , what to do with the ashes, what sort of memorial, remembrance books. Once each one has been decided upon, it is like a cloud being lifted. All other decisions are "whatever". Interestingly enough, God never says "whatever" to us.