How do you see yourself?

There have been a number of different things in the past week or so that have made me think about how do I come across? In the past, that would have really mattered as I was always concerned that I gave the “right” impression. Following the 40 Days of purpose, I am free to be God’s unique creation not having to work at being liked. God loves me despite all my inadequacies so that puts things in perspective for me. I have a huge sense of freedom now and contentment.

Last night I went to a social gathering and to say I was struggling was a massive understatement. Somehow I went through the motions and managed to just get through it (not without getting very emotional). Within 5 minutes of one another two different people asked me how I was getting on. I told one, that I was struggling and I had a reply that she could see that – fair enough. The other I just smiled at and the response that I got was that she was glad to see me happy. Happy?!!! Mmmm… I am not so bereft of feeling that I cannot see the funny side of things and enjoy being with people, but HAPPY? So it just goes to show, you can fool some of the people some of the time.

Somebody else said to me recently who knows about my recent circumstances that I looked like I had got my life together. I definitely saw the funny side to this!! I do not worry about how I come across now and whether I “fit” anyone’s idea of a grieving Mother. The tears are never very far away they are almost hidden behind the veil of living, but sometimes just spill out in unguarded moments. As someone said to me the other day, it’s like sneezing, sometimes you just have to. My personality is such that I would prefer not to bleed all over the place but that I would choose to release my emotions in private. It’s a bit like Pandora’s Box once you open it the lid never quite goes back on again. Please don’t feel that you cannot talk to me about Daniel, please do, it is just if I feel the lid is coming off, I do not want to fall apart totally. That is why church is great at times like this. It is a safe place and it really does not matter to me if I cannot hold it together.

At times like these I am reminded of Psalm 51 v 12: “Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me”.

Yesterday, I received a text message asking for a loan of some money. This was someone that I had helped who was in difficult circumstances but someone who I do not know very well. I just felt that I was now a “commodity” someone who could provide a service rather than a person and felt saddened by this. To this person, I probably came across as a “soft touch”. Don’t get me wrong, I would hate to see anyone in genuine need, but there are times when you have to be cautious in how you help. I am just praying that I am able to still show God in this situation.

Finally, it was my last day of my current assignment today. I was really encouraged as I received some positive and genuine feedback. To people who do not know me, I appear happy and friendly (it’s only when you know me that the truth will out…) I needed positive feedback in a work environment so that I can go back to work knowing that I can manage working. It is another hurdle jumped and one that gives a great sense of satisfaction. I do not have any other temporary work allocated at the moment but hope to do some after the Wimbledon season following our little sejourn in France. It’s knowing that I can that is important.