Drawing a blank

Isn’t life difficult sometimes? The reason that I haven’t blogged for a couple of days is that nothing interesting is happening. In fact, it feels like nothing is happening at all. I am so exhausted and just sleep whenever I can.

Often people say to me at the moment that they don’t know what to say to me. There is nothing that can be said which can really comfort me in my loss. But never underestimate the power of a hug. They do work wonders as they can say so much. I was really pleased today as the weather was glorious, I could wear sunglasses, which could hide my eyes. It felt that I had a shield that only I knew what was underneath and nobody would notice if my eyes were a little damp and runny… The trouble is that you do have to take them off and then you are exposed.

I am going to have a difficult week as I need to look for work and will have to sell myself. Not easy at the best of times, it is a very steep hill to climb. But climb it I must to move onto the next chapter of my life. I just know that this experience is not wasted and I just ask for wisdom how to use it.

Tomorrow is the promise of a new day and God’s faithfulness is new every morning. What a blessing in times like these.

Patience

Hmm… I find this hugely difficult right now. I am still waiting to hear about how I got on at the job interview. I know it was only yesterday, but it feels like years ago. At the weekend, Kevin and I went to a garden show. There was the most beautiful plant and I said to Kevin (tongue in cheek of course!!) “ I want it and I want it now!! And surprisingly I got it. This is just how I feel about life, I would like it to move onto the next phase, the post-bereavement phase. I know that one of the fruits of the spirit is not short-cut suffering, it has to be long suffering. Groan!

The Adult College prospectus is available now and initially I went through it planning at least 4 different courses. Although this may seem like a great idea in theory in practice, this means that I wouldn’t be able to meet up with friends or have any spontaneity, which would be a real shame. At the moment, I seem to be having a complete knee jerk reaction to life. I need to slow down and think before I do things. The verse that springs to mind is “Be still and know that I am God”. It is so hard in these hectic times to be still for any of us. Sometimes, you can go somewhere expecting to find peace without success. Last week, I popped into Chelmsford Cathedral for some quiet reflection. Funnily enough, that wasn’t possible due to a drum concert being held by about 8 children… When I am blogging, I often feel peaceful and that seems odd in comparison. By sharing my brokenness, this acts as a release valve. Looking at things in black and white literally can help me put them in perspective and I find that nothing ever appears so bleak once I have written it down.

I know that I am on a new journey but I am not alone, my God is with me.

An empty life

Well, today I had my first interview in 5 years. I can honestly say that I felt sick with nerves. Whilst I am not at my best at the moment, I was able to focus on work achievements. I feel it is so difficult to establish how I did so I will have to wait until the end of the week when I will hear. Who likes waiting? I also felt in a bit of a dilemma about should I mention Daniel or not? There wasn’t any suitable opportunity so I opted not to say anything at this stage. It feels so alien looking for work under these circumstances. I did feel pleased that I had at least made the attempt to try to get on with things. In fact, since Daniel’s death I seem to be equally as busy and really don’t know how I will fit work in.

I met up with my Mum yesterday who made a very perceptive comment. She said that on the outside I may appear bubbly but inside I am very sad. That is so true. We went to Freeport yesterday, the last time we went was with Daniel. We took him on a coin operated ride – Bob the Builder. It was so very painful that this ride mirrors our lives, empty without Daniel. Whilst we replayed this very happy memory we both ached with our loss. I also took Mum to the Fox and Raven for lunch. Again the last time, I went was with Daniel. It has been helpful to do these things.

Today I have been given this verse from Isaiah 61 v 3

“and provide for those who grieve in Zion –
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.”

God knows his stuff…

I’m back…

I was getting really worried as my blog seemed to have crashed  and I couldn’t do anything about it but then I had a brainwave and look what happened!!

The week following Daniel’s thanksgiving service and funeral has been understandably difficult for us but thank you to everyone who has prayed for us as many times I have felt the depth of God’s peace and love. I have had a busy week but am finding that grieving makes me tired. So I tend to do whatever I can when I have a burst of energy.

I have decided that I need to work apart from paying some of the bills it gives me something to focus on and helps me get back into the workplace. I gave up work when I had Daniel. This was something that I resented initially but am now so glad that I gave Daniel all that I had. Anyway, I am going for an interview on Wednesday, 25th May at 12:30 p.m. This is for a temporary job (4 months maternity cover) as a Human Resources Administrator for a Chelmsford company. Whilst I can do everything that it asks for, an interview will be an unnerving experience particularly when I have to explain why I am looking for a job now. I thank God for this opportunity and trust Him to provide the right job for me.

Pre-Daniel I was organised and structured (means you can stay in your comfort zone for longer…) Now because I am so empty through the loss of Daniel I know that God can fill this gap and that this may mean, horror of horrors that I need to reconsider my career. I am asking God for his guidance but know that he wants the best for me. It really is time for me to say, this is it, a time when I have a blank piece of paper in front of me, what do you want me to write on it, Lord? How scary is that ??!!

I went to church at the 1st morning and evening service. The song, “How great is my God” was played. I nattered over the coffee period and heard it again so that was 3 times in one day and I couldn’t get it out of my head. I truly believe that God is great and that even though my grief is deep and hugely painful, despite any numbness I have, God can still touch me tenderly. I am experiencing a closeness to Him that previously did not exist. Tonight it was a stonking good service waiting on the Holy Spirit. I kept thinking of the Comforter and thinking how much comfort I am so lucky to receive.

My faith is stronger since having been Daniel’s Mum and whilst losing a child plummets you to depths that are truly unimaginable, his presence in my life was like the most beautiful flower. This flower was so unique that nobody knew how long the flowering season was for or how beautiful the scent. The flower got bigger and more beautiful but one day the wind blew away all the petals and the flower was no more. The petals were scattered in the wind and went far and wide. Many people saw them flickering in the wind and admired the beauty and uniqueness of this individual bloom knowing that the petals would only touch them briefly before being blown away. People were sad that the petals had gone but pleased that they had fallen on them even for such a short time.

I hate Tuesdays…

Why Tuesdays? It will always be a reminder of the day that we lost Daniel (only 2 weeks today). He would have been 18 months old today – still, as Kevin says he will be permanently cute.

I knew I was going to struggle with getting through today and was feeling quite smug that I had almost succeeded. That was, until the doorbell rang and the Christian Aid collector called by this evening. I filled in the form and asked what the date was (as if I didn’t know…) when I was reminded that it was the 17th I began to cry (Daniel was born on the 17th November). I then explained what was making me cry because I did feel that I needed to offer some explanation for my bizarre behaviour. Wouldn’t it be great if grief was just a tap that you could switch on and off when you felt like it instead of a damn bursting. If anyone wants a good water feature I can be hired out…

I was talking to a friend earlier and just described a feeling that I have when I am feeling at my lowest. I feel that God says to me, “lean into me, Sarah”. Daniel took after me in the sense that he could make cuddling an olympic sport and I often feel the ache of my empty arms. When I hear God telling me to lean into him, I have a picture of my nestling into Him, where He holds me and I feel loved, secure and warm. Doesn’t the world always seem better after a cuddle?

I was given this poem which helps me throughout the loss of Daniel and this says it better than I could ever say:

“You can shed tears that he is gone,
or you can smile because he has lived

You can close your eyes and pray that
he’ll come back, or you can open your
eyes and see all he has left

Your heart can be empty because you
can’t see him, or you can be full of the
love you shared

You can remember him and only that
he’s gone, or you can cherish his
memory and let it live on

You can cry and close your mind, be
empty and turn your back, or you can
do what he’d want:

Smile, open your eyes, love and go on

No matter what he had to deal with in life, Daniel used to smile, love and carry on until he couldn’t any more.

Rollercoaster Ride

I really don’t know what to write today because I feel like a jelly on a plate wobbling all over the place. Kevin and I went to church today for the first time since Daniel’s celebration on Friday. Surprisingly, I found that more difficult to deal with than the celebration…

Kevin got up today and thanked everyone for all the love, support and prayers that we have received. The church celebration service was very powerful and a wonderful demonstration of how God’s people can show His love.

One of the many comments that I had was that people were surprised to see a band (there were 8 people involved). The worship was a truly amazing witness and I am sorry that I haven’t thanked everyone who was involved in this uplifting ministry. God rocked…

I know that I haven’t spoken to everyone who made Friday a wonderful tribute to our cherished son, but everyone involved played a vital role. Our heartfelt thanks go to all those involved. I feel it important to say that many of the people present do not “do church”. What a witness to them.

Kevin and I have a DVD of Friday. We watched it this evening and enjoyed the celebration all over again. We have many gifted people in our church and Elim is so 21st century. The presentation as well as the DVD capture our memories so graphically that it will be a huge source of comfort to us in times to come.

Whilst Kevin and I paid tribute to Daniel we have a book to record any memories you may have of him. We would be delighted if you felt that you could comment. Please let us know.

Somebody has said to me that they wished that they had my faith. All I can tell you is that God has been so generous and compassionate during this time and he is upholding us. I can remember singing this morning the words from “Let everything that has breath praise the Lord”. I could sing with feeling these very words because God has enabled me to:

“Praise you when I am laughing
Praise you when I am grieving
Praise you every season of the soul”.

strong>Celebration of Life

<
It’s 3:00 a.m. on Saturday and I do not know what to do with myself so I am taking it all out on my computer…

Daniel’s celebratory service took place yesterday at church and a number of people commented on how they felt that God was very visibly present. Thank you to all those who prayed for both Kevin and I because somehow we got through it all. The part that I dreaded the most was the crematorium service and I would have cheerfully traded anything with anyone not to be there. I was even trying to coerce a friend that she could take my place!!!

Kevin paid tribute to Daniel and his words are outlined below.

“In the last 10 days our world has been turned upside down and we all feel the loss of Daniel. I hope you can come to terms with this as I hope Sarah & I can in time. 17 months is not a long time but for Daniel it was a lifetime. Later today you will hear more about what he meant to Sarah and myself. You will also hear from others who knew him and the church service may give you some idea of the sheer number of people who feel the same loss we do.

I recently heard someone say “ God is most powerfully present when he seems most conspicuously absent” and I felt this summed up how I have felt. As I cuddled him for the last time I told him he had been a brave boy. I have called him lots of things in the last 17 months but the words that got the most immediate response from him were “good boy”. This was usually met with a huge smile and Sarah and I would say this to him many times and every time we would get the same smiling response. This is how I will remember him because to me he was always a good boy.

Daniel amazed Sarah and myself with his determination, strength, stamina, bravery, and his incredible outgoing personality. He loved people and people loved him. On countless occasions I have seen him shake with excitement and get so animated as if everyone and everything were his favourite. As far as he was concerned everyone mattered to him, young or old, little or large. He may have been complex medically but he had a simple approach to everyone he met. If you made him happy he would return the compliment in an instant. Maybe we can all learn something from Daniel by taking a leaf out of his book.

You all know what hurdles Sarah & myself have had to overcome. It has not been easy. We had ridden the emotional roller coaster only to find we had been glued to the seats for 17 months !. You have been with us and we value that. I am sure we all feel that in some ways the ride has been too short and that has left us wanting more. I would say to you that its quality and not quantity that counts. Cherish your quality memories of Daniel. He will always be as you picture him no doubt with a smile on his face.

To our families and special friends we thank you for being here today. Daniel is where good boys go and is free from his burdens. We all miss him but he is in a better place and as Sarah says playing with Uncle Jesus.”

A week since the life of Daniel

It hardly seems possible that it is now a week to the day since Daniel died. That final cuddle where all the love in the world could not prevent him from slipping away is firmly etched into my mind.

Daniel is roaming freely in heaven. Tonight Kevin and I were chatting and fondly reminiscing of the good times. I was explaining to Kevin that I know where Daniel is, that he is with God in heaven. Kevin gained some comfort from this. We are being honest with each other and I have said that my faith was really tested when we had Daniel given everything that we had to endure as a family. However, during Daniel’s little life my faith had strengthened and that right now it is more real and practical than ever before. When I find passages that are comforting sometimes I am able to read them out to Kevin and explain my thoughts. Many of the cards that we have received contain a verse of scripture and this has allowed me to explain that God is the same today as he was yesterday and is today. The truths of the Bible have given comfort and strength to many and will continue today as they are still relevant.

The weather on Monday was a lot of showers and sunshine but no rainbow. Daniel’s first ever book was called “The First Rainbow” and I used to read this to him in the very early days of Intensive Care. I began to think about rainbows and the covenant between God and Noah. This was a sign to remember that God would never send a flood to wipe out all the peoples of the earth. I began thinking of all the floods of tears that had been shed for Daniel (many during his lifetime) and remember the sunshine of his smile and the beauty of rainbows. Whenever I see a rainbow now I will still be reminded of God’s covenant but also an amazing little boy with a huge smile who believed his purpose in life was to be loved.

It’s a blur

I am writing this at 4:00 a.m. on Monday morning amazed that the last few days have all blended into one. It has been a hugely eventful time. Thank you for all your prayers, I can tell you that both Kevin and I have felt God’s peace at a time when we didn’t feel that we could feel anything.

We went to church on Sunday morning and were truly blessed by the service, music and love that was lavished upon us.

To say that the last few days has been difficult is an enormous understatement. We have had to make arrangements to say our final goodbye to Daniel. Whilst Friday will be incredibly emotional at both the crematorium and thanksgiving services it will be after that when we will struggle to continue with life.

Daniel was our life. We had to do so much for him that this intensity of need has been replaced with a yawning emptiness. To help us come to terms with our loss there will be times when we will want to share with you our memories of Daniel. Never be afraid to talk to us about him – it will help to keep his memory alive. If you have children please talk to us about them as you would have done before, we want to enjoy them with you.

Kevin is thinking about returning to work this week just to ease himself in gently. I will find this difficult as there will be no structure to my life and I will be at home without a role. I have already been thinking that I need to take on temporary work. I used to have a strong work ethic and whilst I do not intend to lose myself in work, I feel that I need to rediscover who I am.

Last Sunday at church when we had the visiting preacher from New Zealand I went forward for prayer. I asked that God would take me out of the rut that I was in and that he would use me dynamically. These were 2 of the 5 points that he made during the service. Within 36 hours later Daniel was dead.

I know that no experience is wasted even though I may not appreciate what God is trying to tell me. I just ask that God would reveal to me his purpose for me now. I suspect that this will be an ongoing process.

In the midst of our loss, Kevin and I are able to laugh. This may appear odd to you. We both have a black sense of humour and during Daniel’s life when things were bleak it was a way of us getting through until we reached calmer waters. We enjoyed Daniel and he blessed us with the depth of his love. His life is a blessing.

Daniel’s Service of thanksgiving

Both Kevin and I would welcome anyone to attend the service celebrating Daniel’s life on Friday, 13th May at 3:45 p.m. This will be held at Elim Christian Centre, Hall Street.

We wish that the only floral tributes come from our immediate families. If anyone wishes to make a donation please could you forward this onto:

T Pennack and Sons Ltd, 1 – 3 Maldon Road, Chelmsford. CM2 7AL

Total contributions will be divided between Little Haven Hospice and Sunshine Ward at St John’s Hospital.

Day 2

We are gaining comfort in making the arrangements to remember Daniel and are very appreciative of all the love and prayers that we have already received.

Today we registered Daniel's death. I was holding things together until I was asked my occupation - professional mourner?! Unfortunately, I feel that this is an area which I have to leave blank. It no longer seems appropriate to be called a Carer and housewife sounds so bland...

During this difficult time, we need time to grieve and are not ready to speak or meet with people just at the moment. Please do not avoid us if you see us as we will readily talk about Daniel when we can. Someone today said that they really did not know the right things to say but somehow wanted to reach out to us during that time. My response was to just be how you are and do not worry about offending us. We would rather that you are real. If we feel uncomfortable or feel a bit of an emotional wobble coming on we will warn you!!

Thank you for all your love and support.

Daniel James Bray 17.11.03 - 03.05.05 

<The privilege of being a parent

It breaks my heart as I write this to let you know that Daniel was admitted to St John’s Hospital on Monday, 2nd May. Whilst he initially had a high temperature his condition rapidly worsened and he developed blood poisoning. Yesterday, Tuesday, 3rd May he walked for the first time – heavenwards. Our little Angel could no longer continue his stay on earth and went to play with Uncle Jesus around 12:30 a.m.

Kevin and I were both with him and I was able to cuddle him as he drew his last breath. He had the best possible care at St John’s and any further treatment available to him would have left him brain damaged and unresponsive. We did not believe that this would have been right for our energetic and communicative little boy.

Daniel, in death was so much like he was in life, he always determined the pace that he was going to go. When he made up his mind to do something it always happened quickly. Our loss was sudden and unexpected but we gain comfort that he decided to slip away rapidly without prolonging his suffering.

When Daniel’s condition had deteriorated I prayed that if his quality of life would be dramatically reduced that God would take him to his nursery heavenwards. This prayer was answered and God has been faithful to us.

Daniel was 17 months old and a blessing to us as parents. He taught us much during his short little life. We thank God for him.

At this stage we are unsure of our funeral arrangements but you will be informed by this blogsite and through the church office when these details have been finalised.

Thank you to everyone who prayed faithfully for us as a family, these prayers have built us up. We feel that Daniel had the best that life could offer him within his health constraints and have no regrets.

Amazing what sleep deprivation can do to you. Any notions I have of being “in control” just desert me when I get to the point where sleep is more important than food. Trust me food is hugely significant to me. I function on automatic pilot and have a zombified approach to life during these times. I am still able to hear God I just have to be more determined to hear his voice.

Daniel has a cold, nothing out of the ordinary, just a common cold. He has felt rotten with it and has told me in no uncertain terms how he is suffering (must be practising for man flu when he is older…) In the past every time he has had a cold it has gone to his chest and we have always needed a trip to St Johns if nothing else to get a course of antibiotics. Praise God that hasn’t happened this time. One of the things that I regularly have to do is check that Daniel has enough oxygen in his blood and normally with a cold he is unable to get sufficient oxygen. His oxygen levels are amazingly high even though he has a cold. This has never happened before EVER!!! Thank you to everyone who prays so faithfully it is so much appreciated. I pray that Daniel would continue to be off oxygen as we are having a family portrait next week and it would be lovely if Daniel could continue to be tubeless (I know vanity).

The down side to the cold is the retching. He cannot be sick as he has had surgery to prevent this. However, his retching is very violent and unpleasant for him and definitely worse with a cold. Medical opinion is that ideas are running out… Daniel has been retching since February last year and it is devastating to experience. Your prayers would be valued on this. We do not know if this constant retching is a barrier for Daniel eating orally. He takes nothing by mouth at all. The entire world seems to be an expert on this and it is very frustrating to get so many opinions when the medical professionals are scratching their heads. I am praying for guidance and an answer to get Daniel to want to feed. As Daniel’s general level of health improves we will be moving more in that I call “real world” circles rather than just in the areas of disability. This feeding issue then becomes huge. Whilst I know nothing is too difficult for God and I genuinely believe this, take a few days of sleep deprivation and I feel discouraged that this ongoing problem appears to be static. I know long suffering is a fruit of the spirit but it feels like a grapefruit (something that is good for you but bitter to taste). Sometimes I just wish for something that just melts in my mouth, a fruit, which is so juicy, and refreshing that the taste lingers. But I know that God cares about our family and will meet our needs. I am reminded of proverbs 3 v 5:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”