The Cat's out of the bag...

I would consider myself an open person but everyone has something that they don't feel ready to share with others. When I started my new job I thought that this would be a new beginning for me and in many ways it has been... Cue the BUT!! I have not made it public knowledge about Daniel, in fact the only two people I have told I work directly with and you may recall that the topic came up at interview (it wasn't me either!!) So I felt that I needed things to be put into perspective but really didn't want to dwell on it. It's not that I don't want to talk about Daniel, it's just that for me to cope with life without him I have to live it as if he isn't here. I get enormous comfort about sharing my memories with people who knew him or those I choose to reveal him to. Unfortunately, someone I know told someone at work about Daniel and I feel wounded by that. The person concerned was not malicious but probably hadn't considered things from my perspective. It's not that I feel angry or betrayed just vulnerable. People never look at me in the same way again... Ordinarily, when people find out about my circumstances they normally want to make everything alright (normally for themselves) or alternatively they give me advice on how to manage the situation (without having gone through it themselves). I find this tough so I don't volunteer information because it only opens up the wounds and catches me off guard.

I know that I talk about Daniel on my blog but that's slightly different as the likelihood of anyone reading it who works with me is remote.

Talking about revealing things, I was bemused to read in one of my professional journals today how blogging needs to be included in Company policy. Companies are encouraged to include blogging in the IT and email policies as indiscreet revelations can be seen as misconduct and could be gross misconduct (depends on what was said... ) Some of you may have caught the site"La petite Anglaise" where the writer was fired as her employers felt that she had described staff and situations which could be identified and which weren't appropriate. With a background in Personnel I am silent on work issues as things on the blog are then in the public domain. As the writer is taking her employers to a tribunal, it will be interesting to see how this situation develops.

Oh, and I went to the Waterfront (a swanky restaurant)this evening for an awards evening and the dress stayed the course!!

Decisions, decisions...

Well, it's been a busy couple of weeks... I have been under severe pressure, not least to find a suitable wedding outfit. We are going to two weddings (like buses more than one comes along at a time!) No matter what I tried on it was either, made for models who couldn't sit down or breathe out which I didn't think was a good look for the photos, ridiculously expensive or made me look middle aged. Yesterday, I took a friend's advice and bleary eyed ventured to Bluewater at 8:30 am but had to go to Thurrock later on to finish off the outfit. I've opted for a 3/4 sleeved cherry coloured suit with a cream top. Previously I had also been to Oxford Street, Chelmsford and Freeport all in my quest to get something that is suitable for the occasion. Feeling relieved that I have finally managed to get something that "will do"I'm now panicking as I am going to a hen night where the theme is feathers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have visions of me turning up with a duster, boa and indian headdress. One of the other tricky issues is that we will meet up with people who will want to know how we are getting on since the last time we've seen them. In some cases this will be Daniel's service so there's no easy way of dealing with anything that comes up. I have made sure I'll be wearing the waterproof mascara...

On a separate issue, I have ancient eyeballs, it's true!! I have to go to Broomfield this Thursday to have a photo of them taken (they are deteriorating without affecting my sight) but normally they would appear on a person 60 -80 years old!! I always knew that I'm mature but didn't appreciate just how antique parts of me are... Unfortunately, I have to have drops put in which dilate the pupils and don't wear off for 4 - 8 hours. I can't see to read, drive or really put one foot in front of another so it means I have to take a day off work. Not easy as I don't have any holiday to take and as part of my new role I manage absence issues and it would appear my own too. Gulp!

I have now been in my new job 4 months. Sometimes I find it hard that I'm working as part of me feels that this was not how it was supposed to be particularly in times of conflict. Still, this week I get to have dinner at the Waterfront. The only problem is that I won't be able to eat anything until the weddings are over as if I sneeze my new outfit will self-destruct.

Guess who?

Recognise him? Grumpy from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Look very closely, can you spot something? Well, I must admit that lately, he and I seem to have our personalities intertwined... I have never been a fan of confrontation, but at the moment, there seems to be a lot of it about!! I am facing some steep challenges in a number of different areas, professionally, personally and with family too. One of the things I find oh, so difficult, is putting back the pieces of the jigsaw of life. It was a huge adjustment when I became a Mum, harder still dealing with the trauma of illness and finally coming to terms with tragedy. I am struggling to re-invent myself as it were and all the confrontational issues seem to suck away any strength I have. I am going through a painful stage right now and whilst I'm not giving up, I don't think that I'm being that gracious about it either. Very hard to get the balance right. So, since my last blog I think it fair to say that I have been doing a fair bit of navel gazing, well, I would have been if I just could locate it...

On another note, I have upgraded the car and now have a "silver bullet" which helps me deal with the wonderful A12 each morning. It's still a skoda but with a bit more va va voom. We have sold my old car to a woman who has a disabled son...

Like many others I am finding it difficult to find the time to blog (and also the inclination at times) particularly when things are challenging. I am so grateful to the many of you who encourage me and it makes me smile and lifts me. Thank you!