Plodding

I am really looking forward to this Bank Holiday weekend as I am going to catch up on my sleep. Hopefully, we will get some sun too.

Work is difficult as today's topic was the surprise sudden death of someone known to the team. Whilst I took myself off discreetly the conversation was still in full swing when I returned later. There are some things you will never forget - Daniel's last cuddle. It is like being stuck in a horror movie where you know the main character is going to come to a sticky end... "Holding it together" takes energy and then when in a "safe environment" discharging this too is tiring.

I have been asked whether I will write a short piece on Daniel for a Downs Syndrome magazine for a local support group. I have said yes but have no idea what I am going to say yet. I am pleased to have the opportunity. I was thinking of doing something like this but kept putting it off.

I find it funny that even watching television now is hard. Yes, it's true. Before I would have watched the "SuperNanny" programmes to pick up tips and learn from other parent's horror stories - these no longer apply. Anything medical normally gets switched off. I do, however, watch things that I know will challenge me to help me come to terms with the anguish that goes with grieving. The X factor definitely reaches the parts! Daniel had it...

I accepted that God wanted me to be Daniel's Mum despite all the medical issues that we faced. Equally, I know that Daniel being with Jesus (earlier than I had planned!) is the plan that God had for Daniel and also for Kevin and I as his parents. Accepting God's sovereignty is one thing, understanding it is another. I can trust in God knowing what is best for us, but the enormity of losing someone so very close is beyond understanding and very painful. I was asked on Sunday whether it gets any better. My answer is, yes but no, but yes, but no, but yes, but no... I know it will in time, but God's timing is very hard to determine.