Exhaustion

We have had my little niece(aged 11)to stay for the weekend. She had stayed before when Daniel was alive but did not seem unduly troubled that she was the only child in the house now. How I wish that I had this level of resilience. I felt taht I was putting on a brave face most of the weekend as there were lots of triggers or snakes (as in snakes and ladders) of grief. We went pottery painting, which was a very cool Auntie thing to do. It was so hard as it was something that I had planned on taking Daniel to with his cousin but a hospital trip prevented this. Today we went to a boot fair and there were so many memories, toys, clothes. I know that time is supposed to be a great healer but individual timing is so unique so there is no end date in sight...

I need a focus, but it is just enough at the moment to go to work, come home and if we are lucky assemble dinner (cooking is a bit hit and miss in our house!) I just want to get to a place where things are settled and there is a level of normality again. In some ways this is happening, but in others it just is not possible as we are "weighted down" by our grief.

I was talking about the break up of a relationship with a friend who said that everyone had experienced relationship breakdown somewhere so people generally could relate to one another whereas in my case as it was so unique nobody knows what to say. I do feel in a bit of a zoo, where I am peering out from behind the bars of a cage to see a world where everyone else is together. I know that sounds really "dark" but honestly I can't seem to escape from it just yet. I know that God is there with me but He is very silent. I haven't given in, but just need to rest awhile to conserve my strength.

I am hanging onto a verse in Psalm 30

YOu turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.

I look forward to this and the many promises that God has made to us.