Battleweary…
I had a really difficult week last week which culminated in me deciding not to continue my temporary assignment with the Fire Brigade when my contract expires a week on Friday. This Friday will be my last day. I am hugely disappointed but feel that it is not the right assignment for me at this time. I had hoped for good things to come from this so it has been an agonizing decision. However, I am trusting God on this and know that he has something for me I just don’t know what it is yet.
My computer and I are barely on speaking terms. It took me 5 hours to compose an article about Daniel for a Downs Syndrome magazine. I emailed it and then it crashed later. This happened on Sunday so I was feeling a bit ticked off to say the least when I arrived at Church. And then the Sermon – WOW!! I agree with Pat’s comments on her blog when she talks about how good Mike’s series on Faith was. What a finale! His last sermon nearly blew my socks off… It was one of those sermons that had my name written all over it and the tide of tears could not be stemmed. 3 soggy hankies, 2 coffees and a chocolate muffin later (very important…) I was feeling more composed. I needed to hear what was preached but it was so painful. I knew early on in the sermon that I would struggle but have come to the conclusion that even if I disintegrate totally in a service, despite this huge outpouring of emotion, God wants me to be open to what he has to say. Easier said than done, when my eyes keep leaking and my heart repeatedly splintering.
Mike referred to Abraham and Sarah in the Old Testament and how Abraham was faithful listening to God, prepared to sacrifice his Son, Isaac. A couple of weeks before Daniel died, God placed Abraham and Isaac on my heart. I would look adoringly at Daniel when he was asleep last thing at night (they all look so peaceful and that butter wouldn’t melt in their mouth!) and I would marvel at the depth of my love for him irrespective of all the health concerns he faced. I was bowled over by the sheer magnitude of a Mother’s love for her child. I know that God loves me more. However, I kept thinking about Abraham’s faith and the absolute trust he placed in his Heavenly Father being prepared to obey God and sacrifice his child. At that time, I felt really challenged by this and wondered if I would ever have such a strong faith and could do the same. Deeply challenging. Daniel’s death is the biggest and most difficult test of my faith I have ever faced but one, which will refine me. I have the absolute conviction that God will use this and that my faith from this point has to be deeper. I feel enriched from being Daniel’s Mum. I am reminded of Philippians 3 v 7:
“I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things.”
posted by SarahB @ 10:34 PM
4 Comments:
I thought that Mike's sermon would be tough for you in reference to Isaac. I know I was weeping alot myself, for differnt reasons, but aware that it was probably tough for you.
Dr Edwin Louis Cole says "Champions are not those who never fail; they are those who never quit". I wonder if sometimes you feel that by allowing your emotions out in public, that you might have failed yourself.
Nothing could be further from the truth. To stand in last Sunday's night's meeting and not run - that's the stuff of champions.
Praying over your next job!
Thanks for the info re; word verification re; advertising comments.
I tried to leave a message earlier but it did not seem to work, so sorry if you get 2!! Yes Mikes sermons have been challenging, I am glad you feel the Lord speaking to you and I pray you will know his voice leading you particularly which job. sending hugs to you xxxxx
Reading through the titles of your previous posts (on the right) speaks volumes about what you're going through. I wanted to leave a comment.
I will not pretend to know what you are feeling. I cannot relate to such enduring loss, and tend to disbelieve those who claim to. I cannot offer soothing words or witty and insightful Christian catchphrases which might distract you for a while. I cannot assess the depths of your grief and guide you through some recognised steps towards rehabilitation. As if it were that simple.
It sometimes leaves me at a loss as to what to say.
Yet I don't think it's okay to just be quiet and hope you'll get over it.
Of all the things we mess up as a church (and there are many), I think we do one thing consistently well. The church is very good at being a place of refuge; somehow defended from the outside world. This does not necessarily mean it is comfortable (as you have clearly experienced recently), but it is a place where God can meet you, and you can have your heart repeatedly splintered (as you put it) while those around you can pray back the outside world for a while.
Though we can rarely find the right words, and even then lack the courage to deliver them, there are those of us who would stand as the walls of the church, watching and praying over those within. I hope you will find some assurance in knowing that there are still some among us who identify with the watchmen of the Old Testament. Isaiah 62:6-7
Jonathans comments are so lovely,what a good way to put into words what we try to express yet sometimes find difficult to say and Sarah I hope you do feel the church as a place of refuge. love and hugs to you. xxxx
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