The wall...

Is it just me or do other people find that they hit the equivalent of the wall in life? The place where Athlete's find that their body seems to be shutting down. I know that I'm no athlete (nobody has to tell me, I've worked it out...) but I feel that I have hit many emotional walls so to speak. I have most definitely hit a blogging and writing wall. My vocabulary and inspiration seem to have taken leave of absence.

We have had a busy weekend. Friday night we went to see the Da Vinci Code. It was showing in two cinemas in Chelmsford. The film itself lasted nearly 3 hours (so I had hit my concentration wall by then...) This contraversial film is on the whole pretty watchable as it is a thriller but it does not prove that Christianity is a fallacy. The Tom Hanks character has an ambivalent attitude to faith in that when he had a crisis (he fell into a well when he was a young lad and nearly drowned) he prayed to Christ and was saved. However, he spent the rest of his life not having any faith so it didn't inspire him to continue his journey on the road to Faith. The plot is pretty complex but this film should only be viewed as an entire work of fiction. At certain points in the film I prayed for the audience... It is also quite violent for a 12A there is a mad monk on the loose. It made for an interesting conversation in our house.

We had friends over on Saturday who arrived half an hour early. That wouldn't have been so bad if Kevin hadn't have been out and I was looking like Waynetta Slob's double!! In the morning I also went shopping and bumped into one of the Community Nurses. I must be making progress as the last time I saw her it upset me so much I had to finish my shopping!! On Sunday I couldn't go to the 11:15 service as my Mum came to visit. I always feel when I miss church that I am missing out... and I felt pretty restless as it was the Church weekend away. A sort of empty feeling really.

Count your blessings...

Yesterday I went to St John's again. I absolutely loathe the place as there are far too many memories, some of the staff used to think that I worked there... The icing on the cake was when I saw a little boy who used to be in one of Daniel's little classes and that was very hard to stomach.

Later on I had a chat with a friend and after we had finished chatting (admittedly it was quite some time later...) I began to think about God answering prayer. In the space of less than 5 minutes I could recall how God has answered prayer since the beginning of the year and in no particular order: my new job, Helen's new job, Penster's new job, a friend's flat, babies being born, healing, seemingly impossible fractured relations restored... I began to think of all the times that I had prayed about something or for someone and how often God listens and always answers. I feel really encouraged. As bloggers we have encouraged one another by reaching out and sharing a part of ourselves with others, praying, celebrating and supporting one another. At the evening service on Sunday, our Pastor was talking about snails (amongst other things!) He was making the point that do snails know the trail that they leave behind them? We may not see the trail that we leave behind but others do and it can make a huge difference. I do feel blessed to be part of such a community and to those who send their comments.

It's all a bit beige...

I think you can say that I am officially treading water at the moment. Really pleased that we have passed our year anniversary of everything now so thanks to everyone for their love and prayers. At the moment, everything seems so lacklustre but there were times in life where I would have craved for a little bit of normality and less "pace". With excitement normally comes the inevitable highs and lows that a change of tempo generates. So, in some ways I am quite pleased that I am able to plod along so to speak, but in others I feel a little unfulfilled. It's not that I haven't got things to do, I have, it's just motivating myself to make the most of the available time. I find this a huge adjustment as I used to have to do so much that any time I had to myself was to recover from the exhaustion.

Working life is ok. I have the luxury of having a lunch hour (I know that it's early days) but I thought these were extinct!! Most days it takes me around 20 mins to get home so I can be back at home before 5:30 pm on a good day. This too is a luxury but I feel displaced and haven't quite yet settled down.

On Saturday, Kevin and I had friends over and I cooked a 3 course meal. It is the first time that I have properly(!!) cooked in over 2 years - don't you feel sorry for long suffering, Kevin? Anyway, it was great to meet up with friends, put the world to rights and I was pleased that my culinary skills haven't totally rusted away.

On Sunday, I went on a scrapbooking course with the aim of sorting my Daniel photos into a folder. It was fun and I came away with a feeling of achievement. Now, it's no secret that my manual dexterity is a little lacking. I would always come last in things like the generation game and the krypton factor. Years ago I used to be an adult helper at Brownies and I can honestly say that they had better craft skills than I did!! Worse still, some of them noticed... Anyway, the art of scrapbooking, presenting your photos with different hand crafted templates looks addictive. I will tell the Daniel story through words when things are less painful but it has been the photos that I just needed to collate. So I have my first project now and who knows I might just find my creative side.

Watch this space.

Under the duvet!

You get the picture this is how I feel - under the duvet...

Surprisingly enough it has been a bit of a difficult week and tomorrow (Friday) looks tricky too. For reasons that I can't go into, Fridays lately have been very hard but tomorrow will be a real test of character (as if it hasn't had much testing lately!!) Last year Daniel's service was on 13th May which was a Friday and I know that I will think back to that day. Can you believe this but I didn't shed a tear at either service, not out of numbness but a sense that once I got started I might stop church taking place on Sunday because "weeping in progress" would not be able to be cut short! As so many of you know, I have wept many a time since and know that this is part of the healing process.

In some ways, I am trying to get along with life but there are times when I don't seem to have the reserves of energy, intelligence, attitude or whatever it seems to take. Take today, for instance. I had to go to Stansted as I went to a course at one of the big hotels. Now trusty Tim got me to Stansted but it was very stressful finding the hotel and even more stressful finding a car parking space but I got the last one :-) Before I left this morning I actually felt sick as it felt like a challenge too far... To cap it all when I returned back to work everyone else was out of the office as they were celebrating a key birthday for one employee. It was so eerie not having anyone else around and I felt totally isolated for a couple of hours.

Now to add to my list of woes, every Friday is dress down day. To put it bluntly it is Sarah clothing crisis day, where all my "casual" clothes are tried on before being tossed on the bed for being too tight, too scruffy, wrong neckline, it'll split if I sit down in it... Does anyone else find that to look casual they spend more time than it takes to look smart?

I have also dyed my hair but despite leaving it on for an hour ( I was desperate for a new look) my locks have acquired an insipid looking beige tint. This unfortunately, seems to have spread to the rest of my life.

Oh, well, it's nearly the weekend...

Memorial Service

Just a quick post to update everyone of how things are going. Yesterday a friend and I went to a memorial service held at Little Haven hospice. We were encouraged to bring a flower along which would represent our child. Tricky choice, eh? What do you come up with? The idea is that all the flowers are arranged together and you can see the uniqueness. Well, I had a bit of a think on this one, what would Daniel be? Sounds like the sort of question that you might have got on Blind Date!! Anyway, I chose a sunflower for two reasons; the first being that Daniel's smile was pretty impressive and the second that a sunflower is the emblem for hospices. When I took along my flower a number of the staff commented on how "Daniel" it was. You might know in the arrangement the Sunflower was a little eyecatching which in itself was fitting. We then all released a balloon later on. It was a time that was good for reflection and the eyelash tint held up well... It was also a time when I could see staff. One of the hardest things is that you build up intense relationships with people and these too come to an end suddenly. I was really touched as two members of the Team Daniel (there was 15 in total) contacted us on Daniel's anniversary during the week.

This next week is also going to be difficult as it leads up to when we held Daniel's own memorial service. So I cannot wait until it is all over. Kevin and I went out for a meal on the anniversary of Daniel's death and we were both grateful for all the love, prayers, and support that we received during that time.

A year on...

This is one of my favourite photos. It was taken at Little Haven Hospice when Daniel was being entertained by a guitarist and we were all giving the Late Pope a bit of a send off!

A year has now passed since I last cradled Daniel in my arms. It is too painful sometimes and now is one of those times. Kevin and I went to a memorial service at a church near to Great Ormond Street on Saturday for newly bereaved parents( although some have been coming for many years!) It was a very emotional time and Kevin described me as a "flood risk!" We have some difficult memories of GOSH so it was hard enough anyway. The service was good but it was wall to wall with parents weeping for their lost children. Heartbreaking! There was a role call of each deceased child and a candle was lit in their memory. We have an entry in the memorial book for Daniel there and we saw this. It is so hard to see the date of death in print. I didn't know how I would react but felt that I wanted an opportunity to just remember his life. People who meet me now, just don't know about my background which is good and healthy but sometimes I want to talk to everyone about how special and unique Daniel was but it just isn't appropriate.

I have decided that I would get my eyelashes tinted as I knew we were entering a time of weeping so I didn't want to completely look smudged all the time. I now have the confidence not to look like a Panda if I get caught out unawares. It is holding its own...

On Saturday, this week one of my friends and I are going to Little Haven for a memorial service. This is also an annual event.

On the anniversary itself both Kevin and I will be at work - just to keep occupied. Today, I managed to have a little scratch in my car. Nothing serious, just shows that I'm a bit of a stresshead at the moment.

Thanks to everyone who has been praying, emailing, texting, phoning and sending cards. It is really appreciated. Thanks fellow bloggers xx