I have a new man!

DJust a quick blog to tell you all about my new man...

oDon't worry, Kevin is perfectly well but I have added Tim into my life (sorry, Kevin it obviously wasn't complete...) Before you all comment about this, I have to point out that Kevin chose Tim for me as he thought it would help. Any ideas? Well, what can I tell you aboutTim? He is courteous, not opinionated and non-confrontational and is the voice of my satelite navigation system. He doesn't give me a hard time if I have missed my turning he just finds me a different route. My navigational skills are always an ongoing source of amusement so Kevin decided to be pro-active to resolve this issue for me. Incidentally, this present was one he had to try first. Anyone else experience this?

If only life could be navigated this easily.

Happy Christmas everyone!

Well, I knew it was too good to be true, I've still got more Christmas shopping to do. The rather complicated love life in my family has revealed a gap on the present front...

Thanks to all Bloggers for their love, support and prayer. Your comments have been particularly encouraging and so umuch appreciated - thank you. Some of you may recall, a friend of mine, Daryl who had stomach cancer earlier in the year. I am pleased to say all his treatment has proved to be successful so thank you for being faithful in prayer.

Wishing each and every one of you God's richest blessings for Christmas and the year ahead. Singing in church today, I was reminded that all things are possible through God and He will find a way. Good to be reminded of.

:-)

Has a week really gone by?

I am temping this week back on the Reception Desk for the 3rd time at the same place. I was last there 2 weeks ago but became germ infested so I feel the last week or so has been in "slow motion..." My assignment finishes Friday and then it is unlikely that I will be going back as there is no anticipated future need. Still it keeps me occupied. (I am not looking for a reception work other than on a temporary basis).

Last week whilst I was fighting off my germs! I still managed to brave the crowds at both Oxford Street and Lakeside. It is official, I have finished my Christmas shopping... Cue, the smug smile. When I went to Oxford Street I popped into Great Ormond Street for a time of quiet reflection in the Chapel. I can remember holding Daniel above the altar and giving thanks for him.

Later on in the week I personally encountered a bit of road rage which left me shaken but ok. I also applied for a number of jobs - it would appear unsuccessfully.

Kevin and I spent much time on Saturday afternoon playing with marker pens being creative and let's just say, I was so exhausted I had to have a lie down.

Sunday after going to the 1st service, we later go on to visit Kevin's family. It was great to catch up with others but I cannot manage social niceties any more.

Yesterday I went to the job centre where I am told that I have to sign off and re-sign back on again for 1 weeks' temping work. I had to be there as soon as it opened so that someone could determine how they wanted to deal with my claim. Nobody seems to be able to help... I then have to book an appointment to re-sign on again. I am made to feel a nuisance. I bump into someone who knows me from Farleigh and inevitably the conversation steers the usual course when you have to break bad news for the first time to someone and then dealing with how they handle it. Tricky at the best of times but straight after the job centre!!

After a boring half day, where I have learnt to pray during the quiet times, I head off out to a Xmas social organised by one of the agencies. Rush back home and I open a payslip but the same agency have underpaid me. This looks like it is now in dispute... I head off for to attend a local church and they've changed everything aaagh! I start a job application only to be interrupted and pick Kevin up from Brentwood from his Christmas "do". I go back to the job application. If I am successful, interviews take place on Monday.

I do not anticipate working next week so am looking forward to catching up.

Drama Queen

I have found my ideal role in life, Drama Queen. I could have written the Job Spec! Without even trying, I can assume the identity... Take today for example, nothing too melodramatic planned, a trip to Chelmsford, a visit to the Job Centre with some Christmas shopping.

My Christmas shopping gets off to a flying start with purchases being made before 9:00 a.m! I am feeling very smug that even those family members whose present ideas normally reduce me to a one dimensional madwoman desperate for inspiration ( I hate buying for Men, those who do not play golf, fish, like chocolate or want socks or vests...) I cannot stop Christmas Shopping it is almost like the magic porridge pot (for those of you who cannot remember this is a little fairy story. I can't help it but I was bought up on these... There was this porrige pot that wouldn't stop producing porridge and the surplus ended up being a sticky mess until some hero was able to stop it) Anyway you get the picture, I am on such a roll shopping that bags seem to overflow. In fact, I am shopping frantically and manically trying to contain my inspiration when... I suddenly notice that one of my bags (and quite possibly a large portion of my brain) is missing!! Doing a bag audit, where I can at least remember what is missing, I embark on my epic journey to be reunited with these potential Christmas presents that I have already neglected. Fortunately, someone hands these in and my descriptions of them satisfy the shop keeper (phew!) My prodigal purchases and I are reacquainted. I know then that when I have run out of hands it is always a good time to stop shopping. The fact that one of the bags broke too should have given me a bit of a warning.

I would like to pioneer a bottomless shopping bag which automatically tidies itself and the purchases inside into the most space saving manner so that it can be stuffed to the maximum capacity. It would tell you if you mislay anything...

I am meeting with a friend in London tomorrow so more Christmas Shopping exploits.

End of the course

Last week was the end of my writing course which feels a little strange. I have decided to go onto the 2nd course lasting another 6 weeks which starts on 10th January. I submitted my second assignment to mixed reviews - WARNING this is 3 times long than my first so definitely get yourself a drink... I would welcome your comments particularly about things that work or otherwise!


The Journey

I look like a Vampire, Rachel thought.
Her crimson lipstick accentuated her pallor despite the hint of a golden complexion. The vivid purple bags under her eyes completed her air of absolute fatigue.
Well, I have been through a lot lately, she thought. She snapped her compact shut tightly and fished for her "Cosmopolitan" which was languishing at the bottom of her designer handbag. A little indulgence, to lift her spirits. Well, she reasoned with herself, What girl doesn’t like shopping?
Returning to "Cosmopolitan" she wanted desperately to distract herself during this journey. Despite the column on "How to be a successful It-Girl by the time you are thirty" she found herself looking out of the window. The countryside was racing past bringing her ever closer to her destination and her very own watershed.
She had initially wanted to drive to Bristol but just the thought of this had exhausted her. In fact, she was finding it tiring even contemplating what would happen when she arrived in Temple Meads station in some 3 hours time. She felt so nervous that she wouldn’t be able to eat anything. She knew that her Mum would have made her favourite Shepherd’s Pie in an attempt to "bulk her up". She smiled at the thought but then realised that almost a lifetime had passed since she had last seen her parents.
She wondered what their first impressions would be on seeing her. The Sales Assistant had told her that she looked elegant in her plum trouser suit, this Autumn’s newest shade. She wasn’t convinced that they would like her new look completed by blonde bobbed hair. Had her fellow passengers seen beyond her smile and guessed her secret? Feeling really nauseous now she stood up and made her way to the toilet. En route, a suited gentleman let her pass with an old-fashioned courtesy that she had always felt was so outdated. Could she expect doors being held open for her from now on, people giving up their seats? This was really going to take some getting used to.
Back in her seat, her mind was taking a different journey, unwinding past memories. She couldn’t remember when she had first felt "different" to her school friends. People had perceived her to be a bit of a loner when all she had done was to cloak herself in a world of study, her attempt to mask her feelings.
It was her 25th birthday, which had made her realise that she had to take action. Although nothing spectacular had happened she knew then that she had to be brave enough to face reality and could not continue living through the wrong identity. She explained gently her sexual dilemma to her parents. She was a transsexual, and as such although she had been born a boy she felt like a girl. She had hoped that these feelings would go away in time, but as the years had advanced her feelings had intensified and she felt a fraud.
Her parents were devastated when Rick, their only son, had broached the subject. Basil, Rick’s Father was stoically silent, whilst Margaret, Rick’s Mother had taken it particularly badly. As his Mother she could not understand how she had not realised that something was amiss. The tears had cascaded down her cheeks for what seemed like an eternity. Rachel still felt the lump in her throat now recalling how painful it was when she had had to explain to her Mum what being a transsexual meant. Margaret’s middle-class life had not prepared her for such dramatic revelations. She had urged, Rick, Rachel now, to seek professional help. Margaret was devastated when she learned that hormone therapy was underway. There was going to be no going back.
Relations between Rachel and her Mum had become significantly strained. Margaret wanted Rick just to secrete himself away, metamorphosing into Rachel only in the privacy of home. Rachel had hoped that her Mum would show her make up tips and take her shopping but it just was not going to happen.
A further 18 months had passed when Rachel had sent a postcard to her parents from Morocco. This was not a holiday and she followed it up with a rather tearful phone call explaining that surgery had now been completed. Their son was no more and they had gained a daughter.
But how would they see it?
At Bristol Temple Meads station Margaret sat waiting on the bench outside. She knew she was early but she wanted to indulge in a spot of people watching which always did intrigue her and she found oddly comforting. She wondered how many people on the platform were facing their own very personal dilemmas invisible to the human eye. She thought back to when Rick was born. She had been 40 at the time and felt that she would burst with happiness being a Mum at last. The many opportunities to have children seemed to evaporate over the years beforehand so he had been a delightful surprise. Margaret had finally felt fulfilled as a woman. Although there had been no brothers or sisters for Rick, he had not wanted for anything as Margaret had given him all that she could. She had lived her life through her adored son. He in turn, had been no trouble, whatsoever.
Well, he had made up for it now!
She would never see Rachel (formerly known as Rick) settle down, get married and she would be denied the opportunity of being a Grandmother. All the things that a Mother ever wants for her child or was it for herself? Brian had never discussed the issue of Rick’s new identity with her and she knew that he would just accept any new situation as he always did without questioning anything. Part of her could see that this was a good way of handling those things you cannot change, whereas the biggest part of her felt frustrated in his complete lack of acknowledgement and involvement of new and very trying circumstances. Margaret felt bereft and totally alone.
She shivered in the breeze. She could change her mind and walk away. Her life would continue in its safe normality.
Could she turn her back on her only child? Rick had not been impulsive and would have agonised about his options.
Surely the most important thing for a Mother is for their child to be healthy and happy, isn’t it? Rachel was not in trouble with the Police, did not take drugs or do anything to hurt anyone. If she genuinely believed that she was wrongly trapped inside a man’s body was Margaret in a position to know any better?
The final shreds of Rachel’s self-assurance plummeted when the train pulled into the station on time. She really was not sure whether she could live her new life just yet.
What would happen if her parents felt unable to understand and rejected her? Rachel was one of the last passengers to alight from the train and she became a little unsettled when looking up and down the platform she could not see her Mother’s reassuring figure. Margaret was normally early so her absence was definitely out of character. Rachel’s malaise deepened. Margaret had always loved so generously, but would she be able to love her new daughter? Perhaps this was all just too soon for all of them.
Well, mused Rachel, what should I do now? It would be very easy to give up wouldn’t it and book into a hotel somewhere. Very tempting!
Ok, why don’t I get a taxi and just meet them at their house? Perhaps meeting them in such a public place was too much right now. I know I’ll go and buy Mum some carnations like I always used to and take them with me.
Margaret had spent longer than she would have liked at the flower stall but had hesitated over what to buy. She was so preoccupied that she did not take much notice of the elegant woman in the plum coloured trouser suit.
Should she buy carnations or daisies?
She decided on the daisies and went to pay for her purchase. The woman in the trouser suit had also deliberated she noticed but had opted for the carnations. Their eyes met and in that moment an ocean of emotion passed between them. Rachel took the initiative.
"Here, these are for you, Mum." Margaret felt deeply touched and wordlessly handed her daughter the daisies. She couldn’t trust herself to speak but hugged Rachel instead. They both felt a lightness as if a huge weight had been lifted from them. They realised that no matter what, they were still connected to one another, certain of the depths of each other’s love. Whatever journeys they would face, they would gain strength from facing them together. Nothing would ever be more precious than a Mother’s love.

No two days alike

Today was a day of complete contrasts. First, I tried to print off my CV today and the printer said NO! Having had the biggest tantrum and exhausting my entire vocabulary giving said printer, verbal abuse I head off to church for the Ladies Christmas lunch. It was great, there were 30 or so of us ladies together and the atmosphere was one of relaxation. The food was good too! My voice very nearly gave out (try not to cheer...) but I have had a sore throat and all the extra talking today was a bit too much exercise. So many times, you say "hi" to people as you rush through church that you don't get the opportunity to have a chat so it was a luxury to catch up with many people. Interestingly enough I end up sitting next to someone who only knows one other person and me! This was part of God's plan, (I hadn't planned to sit there) and I was able to talk about God incidences. We both had a Farleigh connection and I was also able to explain how this had been great preparation for looking after Daniel. It was certainly an introduction into mult-disciplinary care.

It did make me laugh though, when someone came up to me and asked me if I was better. The person concerned was asking me as the last time they had seen me at Church I had managed to water most of the upholstery... It almost sounded as if I was getting over a cold...

I then went to the Job Centre to apply for a job as HR Administrator and popped into an employment agency. I came home and went to the Farleigh Light up a Life service in Chelmsford. I could not stop the tears from coursing down my face and I met up with many of my former colleagues. Before Daniel I always used to go as part of my countdown to Christmas but this year the intensity of it was too much to bear. I am glad that I went though to be reminded of a little star.