It's a mystery

I haven't been working this week but yesterday just before the Ladies Meeting I got a call from a recuitment agency pleading with me to help them out of a spot. Could I work asap until the end of today? Whilst it wasn't wasn't convenient I thought ok, it would fund my shopping habit...I still went to the Ladies Meeting at church and knew that when I got home there would be details of my temp assignment on email as I hadn't had the time to discuss it. It made me think (!?) and questioned my obedience. I am prepared to accept an assignment, not knowing where it is, what the company is like, my hours etc from someone that I don't know very well. Why am I prepared to do this when with God I want him to tell me as many details as possible? I even trust him more! One of my friends always used to say "let go and let God..." definitely something in that. I am excited as I am at the crossroads careerwise and know that if I am willing God could give me an assignment that I might never pick but that I am able to undertake. Watch this space...

Writer’s Block

Tonight I attended my first writing lesson at evening class. It required every fibre of my concentration (!) just as well I have nothing demanding lined up for tomorrow. We each had to write about a character and read out our best efforts in front of the group. Nerve-racking or what! I was really doing well concentrating on what the other class members were reading when a very familiar storyline emerged. One of the stories was about a Mother taking her very sick child to the Doctor with a fever overwhelmed with anxiety about the survival of her child. At this point, I was contemplating stuffing my fingers in my ears but felt that this could be misinterpreted… Still, I know that I ‘ll get things out of this course but would prefer not to be reminded of anything.

Still, I had a successful days shopping. I spent hundreds of pounds (true!) on a ………………………………….hearing aid. I am currently wearing the NHS one style suits all variety and am now digital. Apparently it is better that I wear one in each ear to get surround sound, perhaps I would like to do that. Perhaps not! Although my hearing has remained static for the last couple of years, I am more aware that I am missing out on things (like conversation…) One of the funniest misunderstandings was when I was talking to a former boss, a HR Manager. He was adamant, he said, that he would “crack down on latex in the office” . You can imagine what my poor little overworked imagination made of this. Believe me, if there was latex in the office I would have spotted it. I gave him a bit of a bemused smile and let him continue. What he actually said was lateness! Shame, it would have been a unique corporate uniform! I take delivery of my “appareil acoustique” in a couple of weeks following our next jaunt en France. I really hope that this will make a significant difference to the quality of hearing that I have.

Going back to France will hopefully loosen up my sluggish command of the French language. Some great occasions when English would not do:

Explaining to the Tunisian technician in our hotel that my travel iron had fused all the lights (it was on the wrong setting, but I couldn’t explain that!!)

Kevin and I got locked in a castle and I had to explain that we were the only ones in the castle. Eventually my damsel In distress limited vocabulary saved the day.

Interestingly enough in Tunisia, none of the european women would be served at a bar. Only when I asserted myself in French were we successful.

When we were last in France one of the walks that we did we came across a Goatswoman herding her flock. No problem, but unfortunately we had a little four legged friend who seemed to have adopted us during our walk and I wasn’t sure how s/he would react to the goats. Did look very interesting. I had to explain that it wasn’t our dog…

Facing up

Today I went to St John's and was feeling very smug with myself that my little grief gremlins seemed to be having a day off. Daniel died there so it is always going to be an emotional place. People do not say that pride comes before a fall for nothing...

I had to go to a department that I had taken Daniel to and after a 15-minute wait my bottom lip was most definitely quivering and my eyes became the self cleansing variety spontaneously.

I decided that I would visit the Community Nurses to give them some items which I thought would be helpful rather than just throwing away. Their office shares the same access as Sunshine Ward, the Children's ward and a Consultant paediatrician who didn't recognise me let me in because in his words "you look like a Mum". My new self-cleansing eyes went into overdrive and I looked like the Gazza Spitting Image puppet. It was good to see the nurses again, we did despite everything have some laughs during the 15 months in which they supported us as a family. They got to know me really well, so our previous parting had been rather sudden.

I also bump into the cleaners on Sunshine Ward who remember me and ask me how I am then huge deafening silence.

Heading back to the car, my emotions felt all over the place when I hear a tap tap tap. God is good, he provided me with a cheery face, none other than Helen Tween, to help restore my emotional equilibrium. Shopping also helped!!

Tonight I met up with a friend and saw Pride and Prejudice which has smouldering performances with Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley. A must view for all girls. It warmed my heart...

Wonder what tomorrow will bring.

A different kind of week

Still feeling very relaxed after our break away (despite the ironing mountain...) I believe clothes breed overnight! Today is our 12th Wedding anniversary and we spent the day at the Battlesbridge Car Show. It was great to amble around in the sunshine looking at some beautiful cars. I couldn't believe it but one proud owner shared the fact that it took £28000 in one year to restore his car. Ok it did look good but that's more than I have ever earned in a year!!
We went out for a meal tonight to an Italian Restaurant so are feeling very content and full...

Kevin goes back to work but I don't have any temp work lined up. I have chosen this week to get a number of things done which have been bugging me so I have a list nearly the size of an A4 sheet to finish this week. It will be weird not working, I have already slotted into the groove. I go to St Johns tomorrow just for something routine and it will be strange not to go to Sunshine Ward.

I start my writing course at college on Tuesday night. Whilst I am looking forward to it, I have already missed one session and it looks like I will miss at least 2 more. I just hope that I can catch up whatever I miss.

During this week, I am also going to see if I can beat my personal best on the exercise front of 220 bounces on my trampette... To clarify, I don't do exercise really (apart from the verbal kind...) so feel that I should point out that the walks in France were 4 miles each as I could never do 24 miles not even in an entire lifetime.

Je suis revenue

I hope this means I've returned. Just a quick blog to say we have had a relaxing few days away en France. It has been good to get away and France normally reaches the parts that most others do not know exists...

I feel virtuous as I have stood on my scales since I have been home and didn't put on any weight!!! We did 2 4 mile walks which is my annual exercise intake...

Good to be back.

:-)

Battleweary…

I had a really difficult week last week which culminated in me deciding not to continue my temporary assignment with the Fire Brigade when my contract expires a week on Friday. This Friday will be my last day. I am hugely disappointed but feel that it is not the right assignment for me at this time. I had hoped for good things to come from this so it has been an agonizing decision. However, I am trusting God on this and know that he has something for me I just don’t know what it is yet.

My computer and I are barely on speaking terms. It took me 5 hours to compose an article about Daniel for a Downs Syndrome magazine. I emailed it and then it crashed later. This happened on Sunday so I was feeling a bit ticked off to say the least when I arrived at Church. And then the Sermon – WOW!! I agree with Pat’s comments on her blog when she talks about how good Mike’s series on Faith was. What a finale! His last sermon nearly blew my socks off… It was one of those sermons that had my name written all over it and the tide of tears could not be stemmed. 3 soggy hankies, 2 coffees and a chocolate muffin later (very important…) I was feeling more composed. I needed to hear what was preached but it was so painful. I knew early on in the sermon that I would struggle but have come to the conclusion that even if I disintegrate totally in a service, despite this huge outpouring of emotion, God wants me to be open to what he has to say. Easier said than done, when my eyes keep leaking and my heart repeatedly splintering.

Mike referred to Abraham and Sarah in the Old Testament and how Abraham was faithful listening to God, prepared to sacrifice his Son, Isaac. A couple of weeks before Daniel died, God placed Abraham and Isaac on my heart. I would look adoringly at Daniel when he was asleep last thing at night (they all look so peaceful and that butter wouldn’t melt in their mouth!) and I would marvel at the depth of my love for him irrespective of all the health concerns he faced. I was bowled over by the sheer magnitude of a Mother’s love for her child. I know that God loves me more. However, I kept thinking about Abraham’s faith and the absolute trust he placed in his Heavenly Father being prepared to obey God and sacrifice his child. At that time, I felt really challenged by this and wondered if I would ever have such a strong faith and could do the same. Deeply challenging. Daniel’s death is the biggest and most difficult test of my faith I have ever faced but one, which will refine me. I have the absolute conviction that God will use this and that my faith from this point has to be deeper. I feel enriched from being Daniel’s Mum. I am reminded of Philippians 3 v 7:

“I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things.”

Bad Day

Had a really awful day today. Thankfully am counting the days to when we go away to France again, not long now. I do count my blessings, honestly but just feel exhausted. One of the pieces of advice I am given over and over again is, to be kind to myself. This is woolly advice as it isn't tangible and how do you be kind to yourself? Very hard to define. Others know that you are "different" but cannot place why. You bruise easily. You try to focus on things outside your situation but just don't know how to respond now that you are a different person. You can't just lslot in with everyone else as you are set apart by the depths of your sorrow. Words are meaningless, nobody knows what to say as they cannot relate to you and you cannot explain.

It is really hard to believe that this time, last year we were having our only family holiday. Daniel was totally oxygen dependent, was on 12 medications and we had to contact the local Community Nursing Team in Norfolk in case of emergency. Who would have thought that this would be a good memory but it truly is. Daniel had a picnic, went bowling, went on the beach and on an open air train ride. So much has happened since then.

Whilst God may be silent, I have the absolute conviction that he is carrying me. This is a companiable silence and one of reassurance.

Get over it

Saturday was 4 months since Daniel died. It has been an ok day considering. I cleared some more of Daniel's things out today and gave them directly to a charity which was advertising the need for donations. However, when I turn up with 3 sacks I am confronted with a notice which says that no donations are being accepted and no not sure when that is likely to be. When I ask if it is possible to take the donations that I have and explained why I get a very unhelpful response. Very tactless to say the least. Unfortunately, I do my Vesuvius impersonation in the middle of the shop. What wouldn't Jesus do? Have a strop in the middle of a charity shop!! The Acting Manager did feel sorry for me and take the stuff in the end. I had tried to do something positive and it degenerates, bad move.

Still smarting from this encounter, I bump into a friend and we go for coffee, where she has to allow me to let off steam.

I then follow this with an intense period of retail therapy!! I ran out of time, the shops shut...

Watched a clip from Pinnochio. At the end he is all lifeless, but a fairy comes with a magic wand and sprinkles her magic dust and up he gets. This floored me, how sad is that?

II know the intensity of grief passes, and that waves of anguish come and then disappear. I have accepted that God's timing was to choose to have Daniel in Heaven rather than with us and I know that it is something that I will learn to live with one day, but not yet. I am so glad that I can be "real" with God and know that he is patient and understands. Be prepared for the tears that fall which help to numb this pain. God is truly gracious at times like these.

I've run out of things to say...

It’s true!! Highly unusual but true. I feel like a bird that has lost its tune!

We had a pleasant Bank Holiday weekend eating out twice. We also went bowling at Colchester. We all felt like old Fogeys as the music was too loud…We didn’t realise that this was going to happen but we bowled in disco lights. If you are a proficient bowler this is a problem because you aim at the arrows on the lane and not the pins. I found it improved my style as it loosened me up and distracted me and I am an aim and wish bowler. In my first game, I would bowl and leave some pins (not as unusual as I would like really) but when the machine came to pick the pins up they would miraculously drop or just fall away. Nobody else seemed to benefit from this phenomenon and I didn’t win but it was entertaining.

Saturday will be 4 months since Daniel’s death. I feel that I have aged so much since then. Whilst it is still very early days, in some ways it seems like a huge amount of time has passed. I am like an iceberg (steady!) in terms of so much being visible over the water and more being hidden underneath.

My temp contract expires at the end of September and I am ambivalent whether I remain there or not. I worked an 8.5 hour day today, which may not seem like a lot, but to me it felt like it as I am out of practice. I am leaving this in God’s hands.

Not sure if I’ll continue blogging as my inspiration seems to have left me, along with my motivation. I do enjoy hearing about what other bloggers have been doing, though.




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